Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy
SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting…
Month: April 2025
Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space appeared first…
Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars
RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if…
NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued…
White Sox Introduce New Premium Indoor Suites With No Windows So You Don’t Have To Watch The White Sox Play
CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully…
Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked…
Liberals Devastated As Stock Market Recovers
NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his…
Jasmine Crockett Floats Down Mighty Mississippi To Purchase Fresh Shipment Of Mexican Slaves
NATCHEZ, MS — Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was seen smoking a corncob pipe and playing a diddy on her banjo as…
Winnie The Pooh Destitute As Trump Enacts 150% Tariffs On Hundred Acre Wood
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD — Local bear Winnie the Pooh has reportedly been left completely destitute after Trump enacted 150% tariffs…
Op-Ed: How About Genetic Scientists Try Making Young Men Who Aren’t Little Sissy Boys
Down at the VFW today, the boys were saying that some boneheads used a bunch of test tubes to make…