Behold, the geriatric Texan riff-lords, THE SWORD, have dusted off their amplifiers and emerged from whatever retirement home they were holed up in to grace us with their presence. Yes, you heard right, these Austin legends (according to their PR team, anyway) are embarking on a U.S. tour. Prepare yourselves for a sonic assault of… well, probably the same riffs they’ve been playing since the Mesozoic Era. They’re going to play “Warp Riders” in its entirety. All of it. Every. Single. Note. To celebrate the album’s 15th anniversary. Because nothing screams “cutting edge” like rehashing your old stuff. 👴🎸
John D. Cronise, the man who clearly peaked in 2010, declares, “This is probably the only chance people will have to see us perform the entire album, so don’t miss out!” Translation: “We’re not getting any younger, and our back catalog isn’t exactly flying off the shelves, so come see us play the same songs you already own!” He’s probably right. You may never get another chance. Because who knows if they will remember to plug their guitars in the next time. 🤷♂️
Tickets go on sale this Friday, May 2 at 10 a.m. local time. Set your alarms, folks! You wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to witness this monument to mediocrity… I mean, magnificence! Rickshaw Billie’s Burger Patrol and Pink Fuzz will be providing support, presumably to distract you from the fact that you’re essentially paying to relive 2010. Who are these guys? Maybe they’ll be good. Maybe they’ll be terrible. Either way, they’re not THE SWORD! (Disclaimer: I have no idea who these bands are, but I’m contractually obligated to be cynical.) 🍔
And if you’re feeling particularly nostalgic (or just have too much disposable income), a special, limited-edition reissue of “Warp Riders” was released for Record Store Day. Remastered by J. Robbins, no less! Because what this album really needed was *more* mastering. The “Sea Of Pyres” vinyl variant features an embossed mirror board jacket, so you can admire your own reflection while contemplating the choices that led you to buy this album. It sold out within hours. Because of course it did. Hype is a powerful thing. 🐑
Back in 2010, some publications apparently said nice things about “Warp Riders.” The BBC, bless their hearts, praised its “level of fantastical grandeur… on par with the bands who built the power metal subgenre.” So, basically, they’re saying it’s derivative. The Quietus called it “brilliant,” which is probably just a typo. And Pitchfork, ever the tastemakers, dubbed it “Camaro-ready riff-rock.” Because nothing says “sophisticated music criticism” like a car commercial. 🚗💨
Here are the dates for this earth-shattering tour. I’m sure you’re already clearing your schedules:
- August 17 – Phoenix, AZ @ Crescent Ballroom (Prepare for desert heat and dusty riffs!)
- August 18 – Albuquerque, NM @ Sister Bar (Holy moly, is this the one from Breaking Bad?)
- August 19 – Denver, CO @ Gothic Theatre (Gothic? More like geriatric!)
- August 20 – Salt Lake City, UT @ Metro Music Hall (Hope they packed their magic underwear!)
- August 22 – Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory (Maybe they’ll knit some new riffs while they’re there.)
- August 23 – Seattle, WA @ Neumo’s (Grunge meets… whatever The Sword is.)
- August 24 – Portland, OR @ Hawthorne Theater (Vegan metal? Discuss.)
- August 25 – Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory (Double the knitting, double the fun!)
- August 27 – San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall (Overpriced tickets for an overpriced city!)
- August 28 – Pioneertown, CA @ Pappy & Harriet’s (Where the hipsters go to pretend they’re not hipsters.)
- August 29 – San Diego, CA @ Belly Up Tavern (Hopefully, the music won’t make you want to belly up to the bar.)
- August 30 – Los Angeles, CA @ The Bellwether (The Bellwether of… what, exactly?)
Cronise, in an interview with Revolver, described the band’s reunion as “like putting on a comfortable pair of sneakers.” Which is another way of saying “we’re doing this for the money.” 💰
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
