Hold on to your dentures, geriatric rockers TRIUMPH are BACK! Or… sort of. 🥁🎤🎸 Apparently, they’re conjuring up some “high-tech concept” to bring their music to the masses, because, you know, actually touring is for *young* people. 👵👴
So, Gil Moore, the man who clearly hasn’t seen a stage dive in decades, told Talkin’ Bout Rock (whoever *they* are) that he’s been cooking up this scheme with Paul Dexter, their old lighting guy. This Paul dude is apparently a “genius” because he dabbled in holograms back in the day, like, *Ronnie Dio hologram* back in the day. 👻 Because what the world *really* needs is more dead rockstars projected onto a stage.
Gil, bless his heart, admitted he couldn’t actually *tour* because, well, the vocals are too high and playing drums is too… *energetic*. 🙄 “I saw The Eagles,” he whined, “and their music is so much *easier* on you physically.” Yeah, Gil, maybe you should switch to mellow country-rock, or better yet, just stay home and watch Matlock.
But wait, there’s more! Gil didn’t like the *hologram situation*. Apparently, it wasn’t “a platform, just a feature on a platform.” Deep, man. Real deep. So, they’re going for “mixed reality,” which sounds like something a toddler would come up with after eating too much Play-Doh. And of course AI hadn’t kicked in yet! 🤖
Now, here’s where it gets *really* bonkers. The “TRIUMPH live experience” will involve “bringing the original band virtually in with the new musicians.” So, you’ll have a bunch of young whipper-snappers sweating it out on stage while the hologram ghosts of Gil, Rik, and Mike noodle around on a screen. He even had the audacity to say that Phil X (yes, *that* Phil X from Bon Jovi) would be leading a band of tribute album musicians! Like, what? It’s basically a TRIUMPH cover band with the original members phoning it in from the afterlife (or, you know, their living rooms). 📞
“It’ll be the first power trio with six people in it!” Gil cackled. Yeah, Gil, and I’m the Queen of England. 👑 This whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster, a technological train wreck of epic proportions. 💥
He even had the gall to say, “It’s a wild plan, and we’ll have to see where it goes.” No, Gil, it’s a *stupid* plan. A lazy, money-grabbing, nostalgia-fueled cash grab. 💰
Rik Emmett, bless his heart, sounds like he’s just along for the ride. “Gil’s got a bee in his bonnet,” he said, about this “heavy-duty 3D hologram-ish” thing. I bet Rik is regretting every life choice that led him to this moment.
Oh, and apparently, Gil has been blathering about this “mixed-reality concept” for *years*. He even had the audacity to tell Ultimate Classic Rock that he wasn’t crazy about holograms, but wanted a “better platform with more variables.” More variables for what, Gil? More ways to disappoint your fans?
And the audio? “Mike, Rik, and Gil” sourced from live concerts that no one has ever heard before! 📼 So, basically, they’re dusting off some old tapes and slapping them onto this digital Frankenstein monster.
He wants actors! Footage of Mike, Rick, and Gil! Recreations of Mike, Rick, and Gil! It’s like a bad acid trip come to life. 😵💫
But wait, there’s *still* more! This whole thing is supposedly an answer to fans who want them to tour again. “There’s this feeling of obligation to the fans,” Gil said, as if he’s doing them a *favor* by not actually showing up. 🙄
And don’t even get me started on the tribute album. Dorothy? Sebastian Bach? Slash? Covering TRIUMPH songs? It’s like a who’s who of musicians who have absolutely nothing better to do. 🤷♀️
So, there you have it, folks. TRIUMPH is back, in a way that will probably make you wish they stayed gone. Get ready for a “live experience” that’s more like a digital séance. 🔮 Prepare to be underwhelmed.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
