Thunderbolts: Oh Honey, They’re Totally “The New Avengers” 😉 (Bless Their Hearts 🙄)

Marvel, in their infinite wisdom (or lack thereof 🤡), has pulled the ultimate rug-pull! Remember ‘Thunderbolts*’? Yeah, well, scratch that! It’s now officially ‘The New Avengers’! 🤣 I’m not even kidding. They actually thought we wouldn’t notice the massive bait-and-switch. As if we’re all just mindless drones consuming whatever slop Feige throws our way. 🙄

So, apparently, that little asterisk next to ‘Thunderbolts*’ was a HUGE secret, a mystery for the ages! 🕵️‍♂️ Like, we were all losing sleep wondering what it meant. Was it a typo? A secret code? Nope! It was just Marvel’s way of saying, “Surprise! You thought you were getting a gritty, anti-hero team-up? Nope! Here’s some more of the same old Avengers formula! 🤪”

And get this, they waited until the movie was *out* to reveal the “shocking” twist. 🤯 Like we’re all supposed to be gasping and clutching our pearls. “Oh my god! It’s ‘The New Avengers’! I’m so surprised! I totally didn’t see that coming from a mile away! 🙄”

Sebastian Stan (aka the Winter Soldier, who’s probably regretting his life choices at this point 🥶) was even caught on camera plastering the new poster over a bus stop. Talk about a downgrade! From assassin to…poster boy? 🤦‍♂️ Maybe he should just stick to brooding in the corner.

But don’t worry, folks! You can still call it ‘Thunderbolts*’ if you want. Because, let’s be real, ‘The New Avengers’ is just a marketing ploy to trick casual moviegoers into thinking this is something they’ve seen before. It’s like slapping the Avengers logo on a turd and hoping people will eat it up. 💩

Speaking of eating it up, the movie actually did okay at the box office. 💰 Probably because people are still clinging to the hope that Marvel can recapture the glory days. Bless their hearts. 🙏 It made a whopping $162.1 million worldwide! 🤑 That’s enough to buy Kevin Feige another yacht! 🛥️

So, what’s the plot, you ask? Oh, just the same old song and dance. Bad guys forced to be good guys, blah blah blah, save the world, blah blah blah. 😴 I’m sure there’s a MacGuffin involved somewhere. Probably some glowing space rock that everyone wants. 💎

And of course, these “New Avengers” will be back in ‘Avengers: Doomsday’! Because why not? Milk that cow until it’s dry, Marvel! 🐄💨

In conclusion, ‘Thunderbolts*’ aka ‘The New Avengers’ is just another example of Marvel playing it safe and pandering to the lowest common denominator. 👎 But hey, at least we got a good laugh out of it. 😂 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rewatch ‘The Dark Knight’ and remind myself what a *real* superhero movie looks like. 🦇😎