OMG! 😱 Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are back together?! Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality! I mean, after ‘Speed’ and ‘The Lake House,’ did anyone REALLY need more of this? 🙄
So, like, Keanu and Sandy B are teaming up again. Because apparently, Hollywood is fresh out of ideas. They’re gonna grace us with their presence in a “romantic thriller.” Thrilling how? Will Keanu be forced to recite Shakespeare while defusing a bomb? Will Sandra have to parallel park a monster truck while simultaneously solving a Rubik’s Cube? Enquiring minds NEED to know! 🤪
Remember ‘Speed’? The movie where a bus couldn’t go below 55 mph, or it would, like, EXPLODE? 💥 Yeah, that was peak cinema. And who can forget the Simpsons’ version: ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down’? Pure. Freaking. Genius. I bet the new movie will be equally as mind-blowing. (Spoiler alert: it won’t.) 😴
And then there was ‘The Lake House’. Oh, ‘The Lake House’. Where they exchanged letters through a magical mailbox. A MAGICAL MAILBOX, people! 📮 Seriously, who came up with that plot? Was it a drunken seagull? I bet it was. 🐦 Anyway, it made a whopping $114 million worldwide. Which is, like, a lot of money to spend on a movie about a mailbox. 💸
But wait, there’s more! Mark Gordon, the mastermind behind ‘Speed,’ is ALSO involved. Because why not? Let’s just recycle all the old ideas and hope no one notices. ♻️ And Noah Oppenheim, who co-wrote ‘Jackie’ (you know, the one about JFK’s wife) is writing the script. So, expect lots of deep, meaningful conversations about… bus speeds? Magical mailboxes? I’m so confused. 🤔
The plot is a secret, of course. Because if we knew the plot, we might realize how terrible it is and not watch it. Clever, Amazon MGM Studios, very clever. 😈 But apparently, it’s “propulsive.” What does that even MEAN? Is it about a rocket ship? A lawnmower? My grandma’s mobility scooter? 🛴 The suspense is killing me! (Not really.) 🙄
Keanu, bless his heart, has been busy being John Wick. 🐕🔫 Because apparently, killing people with pencils is his calling in life. He’s also gonna be in a ‘John Wick’ spin-off called ‘Ballerina.’ Because why not milk that franchise for all it’s worth? 🐄 He’s also Shadow in ‘Sonic the Hedgehog 3’. Because apparently, he wants to ruin my childhood. 😭
And Sandy B? Well, she was in ‘The Lost City’ and ‘Bullet Train’. And she wants to do a sequel to ‘Practical Magic’. Because apparently, she’s not afraid of being typecast as a witch. 🧙♀️ Good for her, I guess. 🤷♀️
So, when will this cinematic masterpiece be released? Who knows! Amazon MGM Studios is keeping it a secret. Probably because they’re still trying to figure out the plot. Or maybe they’re just waiting for Keanu to finish killing people with pencils. ✏️ Either way, I’m sure it will be a box office smash. (Or not. Who cares?) 🤷♀️
In conclusion, get ready for another Keanu and Sandra movie! It’s gonna be… something. Probably not good, but definitely something. Maybe I should start writing my hate-tweets now? 🤔 Nah, too much effort. I’ll just watch ‘The Simpsons’ again. 📺 At least that’s actually funny. 😂
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
