So, apparently, Chris Beattie, the dude who held the bass hostage in Hatebreed for, like, ever, finally decided real estate was more metal 🏘️. Or, you know, maybe he got *yeeted* out the back door. Let’s be real, who *really* leaves Hatebreed willingly? It’s like quitting a lifetime supply of protein powder and tribal tattoos. Anyway, he’s been yapping to Drew Stone of The New York Hardcore Chronicles Live! (because, where else would a disgruntled ex-bassist go?) about his super dramatic departure.
Beattie, bless his heart, seems a little confused. One minute he’s reminiscing about the “completely amazing” 30th-anniversary tour, the next he’s crying foul about being ousted like a stale donut 🍩 from a tour bus. “Someone saw an opportunity to get me out of the picture,” he whined. Oh, the DRAMA! Maybe someone finally realized the bass lines in Hatebreed are, shall we say, *not* the reason anyone buys their albums. Just sayin’.
He also claims he was the “middle man” for bandmembers and crew, which, let’s be honest, sounds like a nightmare. Imagine being the go-between for Jamey Jasta and a roadie who can’t find his vape. No amount of real estate commissions is worth *that* kind of stress. And then, the real kicker: he started “asking a lot of questions” and became a “problem.” Uh oh, someone dared to question the supreme leader Jasta! 👑 That’s a paddlin’.
Now, they’re lawyering up! ⚖️ Beattie is all “I don’t wanna shit on the legacy,” but then proceeds to imply that everyone in Hatebreed is a backstabbing jerk. Classic. He’s trying so hard to be the bigger man, but the bitterness is thicker than Jasta’s neck. He even pulls the “fans saved my life” card, which, let’s be honest, every musician trots out when they’re trying to guilt-trip their former bandmates. “I was ready to end it all, but then I heard ‘I Will Be Heard’ and realized I could just mosh instead!” 🤘
But don’t worry, folks, Beattie’s not just gonna sit around and sell McMansions. Oh no! He’s got *projects*. Plural! Apparently, Scott Vogel of TERROR hit him up with the brilliant idea of starting a new band with Sean Martin (another ex-Hatebreed member, because why not recycle?) and Jamie Pushbutton (who played on *Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire*, because apparently, that album still haunts people). It’s like a hardcore ex-boyfriends club! 💔 I’m sure this new band will be *totally* different from Hatebreed. Maybe they’ll write songs about… responsible financial planning?
And that’s not all! He’s also jamming with Karl from EARTH CRISIS and some dude from AKANI. So, expect some preachy vegan metalcore coming your way soon! 🌱 Because what the world *really* needs is another band telling us how to live our lives. He even talked to Dave Russo about jamming. The possibilities are endless! Or, you know, maybe just mildly interesting to a very specific subset of hardcore fans.
In his initial, oh-so-dramatic departure statement, Beattie claimed he was under the impression there would be a “joint announcement.” LOL. As if Jasta would ever share the spotlight. He also hinted at “misleading and wrongful statements” and “future actions.” Translation: “I’m gonna sue, but I can’t say that yet.” 🤫
So, there you have it. Chris Beattie is out of Hatebreed, probably bitter, and definitely plotting his revenge through a series of vaguely similar-sounding hardcore bands. Stay tuned for more updates on this riveting saga! 🍿 In the meantime, let’s all go listen to *Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire* and wonder what could have been. (Spoiler alert: probably more of the same.)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
