While fans of The Witcher obsess over every pixel of Geralt’s sword and chest hair, CD Projekt RED just threw a flaming wild hunt grenade into the fandom bonfire. In a newly released 20-minute developer video, the creators of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt came together to share stories from the development trenches — and dropped a bombshell: one of the longest email threads in studio history was about Geralt’s ass. Specifically: Should players see it right at the start of the game? Or work their way up to it like a romantic dinner date?
🍑 CD Projekt RED Is Developing a Spin-Off About Geralt’s Bare Butt — Yes, Seriously
“We had one of the longest email chains ever about how much of Geralt we should show in that bathtub scene,” said narrative director Philipp Weber. “When he stands up, do we go full cheek? Half-cheek? Fade to black? Are we ready for this as a society?”
Apparently, not only were they ready — they’re doubling down.
🛁 The Witcher Bathtub Scene: A Philosophical Debate About Slavic Buttocks
That now-iconic bathtub moment — the stuff of memes, thirst tweets, and questionable body pillows — was born of deep creative conflict. Imagine: dozens of Polish game devs on Zoom, arguing over how many pixels of ass make art and how many make porn.
Drama, Intrigue, Buttocks: The Weirdest Witcher Game Ever Is in the Works
But here’s the twist: according to an anonymous source inside CDPR (codename “TechArt69”), those debates didn’t end — they evolved. And now, they’ve turned into a full-blown project: an actual spin-off game. Centered on Geralt’s ass. Not kidding. Mostly.
“This isn’t just a butt,” says a cinematic designer. “It’s a symbol. It’s the vulnerability of a toxic medieval badass in a world that expects him to be an emotionless tank. It’s… beautiful.”
🎮 Introducing The Witcher: Origins of the Cheeks — The Game Nobody Asked For but Everyone Will Play
The new project, tentatively titled The Witcher: Origins of the Cheeks, is being pitched as an experimental RPG spin-off, designed for a wide range of audiences — from hardcore Witcher fans to people who don’t play games but enjoy looking at butts in 4K.
The main character? Geralt’s butt. Fully rendered. Fully voiced. Fully ready to slay.
And yes — the butt will talk. It will monologue. It will fall in love. It will ponder morality, justice, and the Nilfgaardian tax code.
There’s talk of three different voice options:
– a brooding, emotional voice for drama,
– a dumb surfer voice for comedy,
– and a seductive baritone for paid NSFW DLC.
Netflix has reportedly already optioned a mini-series, with Tom Hardy voicing the left cheek and Benedict Cumberbatch as the right.
🌈 Public Reactions: Feminists Are Furious, Furries Are Thrilled, and the Polish Church Is Prepping Holy Water
As expected, the announcement has polarized the gaming community like a DLC launch gone wrong. Feminists and digital modesty advocates are up in arms, demanding that “Geralt be clothed like a proper role model,” while fan artists on Reddit are already dropping RTX-enhanced renderings of his glutes from every angle imaginable.
The LGBTQ+ community sees the game as “a major win for homo-glutenous digital body representation,” and some fans are even pushing for a romance subplot between Geralt’s butt and a talking shovel from Witcher 1.
Meanwhile, the Polish Catholic Church released a strongly worded statement, threatening to summon John Paul II through the multiverse for an emergency exorcism of the dev team.
“There are demons at work in Warsaw,” one archbishop warned. “And they have incredible muscle definition.”
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
