Well, well, well, look who crawled out of whatever hole they’ve been hiding in for the past seven years! Arizona’s own BLESSTHEFALL — yes, the same band your mom probably thinks is “just going through a phase” — is back with a vengeance (or at least, that’s what they want you to think).
Beau Bokan (vocals, because screaming into a mic is a real talent), Eric Lambert (guitar, probably shredding the same three chords he’s been using since 2007), Jared Warth (bass, the unsung hero nobody remembers), and Elliott Gruenberg (another guitar, because one just isn’t enough to mask the mediocrity) are gracing us with “Gallows”, their first album since, like, the Stone Age. Prepare yourselves for this earth-shattering event on September 5 via Rise Records. And to celebrate this momentous occasion, they’ve unleashed “Mallxcore” upon the world. A visualizer? Really? Is that the best they could do? 😴
“You ever hear a song from a band and go, ‘Holy fucking shit, they nailed it?'” Bokan pondered, clearly delusional. “That’s what ‘Mallxcore’ will make you feel.” 🤣 Yeah, right. More like, “Holy fucking shit, what year is it?” This song was “so fun to write,” apparently, because they “went in with no intentions other than writing the most BLESSTHEFALL song possible.” Translation: they recycled the same tired riffs and lyrical clichés they’ve been peddling for years. And the song title? Oh, it’s a “poke at the r/Metalcore reddit haters.” How edgy. How original. They’re really sticking it to the man! ✊🙄
The official video for this masterpiece of modern music will arrive on Thursday, June 19. Mark your calendars, folks! It’s gonna be HUGE! Or, you know, just another generic metalcore video. Whatever. 🤷♀️
Bokan, bless his heart, offered an “advance tease” about the video. “We knew the music video for ‘Mallxcore’ needed to be as fun as the song was.” Fun? Is that what they’re calling it? We’ll just call it a dumpster fire. They “hand-picked Tanner Gordon to direct because of his amazing work with bands like SPIRITBOX.” Oh, so they’re trying to ride on SPIRITBOX‘s coattails now? Clever. In the video, they all have “normal, mundane jobs” because, you know, they’re just like us! Except, not really. Then Bokan gets “recruited by an over-dramatic party host who needs a band to perform at her shindig…STAT.” Riveting stuff. And as a “bonus,” there are “some really cool easter eggs” for the “hardcore fans!” I bet those “easter eggs” are just references to their older songs that nobody remembers. 🥚
Bokan also shared some profound insight about the album. “Gallows” is a “culmination of everything we love about writing music.” So, basically, a rehash of all their old material with a fresh coat of paint? They “took our time and only wrote when we felt inspired.” Which explains why it took them seven years. Every song was “written from a place of excitement and freedom,” which is why they all sound the same. “From the visceral screams over some of the most disgustingly heavy parts we’ve ever written to the massive sing-along choruses, there’s something for everyone.” Visceral screams? Disgustingly heavy? Massive sing-along choruses? Sounds like every other metalcore band ever. “If you’re a die-hard BLESSTHEFALL fan since Day One or a first-time listener, ‘Gallows’ will end up on your Top 3 metalcore albums for 2025.” Top 3? Bold claim, buddy. More like Top 3 albums you’ll forget about by the end of the year. 🤡
“Gallows” also features guest appearances from members of STORY OF THE YEAR, ALPHA WOLF, and CASKETS. Because what’s a mediocre album without a few guest spots to try and boost its credibility? 🤝
Here’s the track listing for “Gallows”:
01. Mallxcore (Because one dose of this garbage wasn’t enough)
02. Wake The Dead (More like wake me up when this album is over)
03. Venom (Is that what they’re calling their music now?)
04. Somebody Else (Yeah, they should probably try to sound like someone else)
05. Drag Me Under (Don’t worry, their music already does)
06. Gallows (Fitting title for an album that’s destined to be hung out to dry)
07. Light The Flame (Of a dumpster fire, maybe?)
08. Fell So Hard, Felt So Right (Said no one ever)
09. Y.S.A.B. (Your Song About Breakups? How original!)
10. This Ends With Us (Hopefully, this ends with BLESSTHEFALL disappearing again for another seven years) ✌️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
