THE OFFSPRING, those purveyors of mid-life crisis anthems, graced the stage of ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” last night (Tuesday, June 17). Because apparently, Kimmel’s writers couldn’t come up with anything funnier than booking a band that peaked in the ’90s. They churned out four whole songs: “Come Out And Play” (thankfully, the only one aired – my ears are still recovering), “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid” (ironic, considering their current trajectory), “The Kids Aren’t Alright” (a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point), and “Lookin’ Out For #1” (because, let’s face it, who else is?). If you’re a glutton for punishment, the entire performance is available below. Viewer discretion is advised. 🤢
In a desperate attempt to relive their glory days, THE OFFSPRING (yes, they’re still around) have announced the North American leg of their “Supercharged Worldwide In ’25” tour. “Supercharged”? More like “Super-Overpriced.” This 34-date nostalgia trip, brought to you by Live Nation (because who else would?), kicks off on Friday, July 11 in West Palm Beach and will drag itself across the country to iconic venues like New York’s Northwell at Jones Beach Theater on August 3 (prepare for overpriced beer and existential dread) and the Kia Forum in Los Angeles on August 29 (where you can reminisce about the ’90s while stuck in LA traffic). Joining them on this geriatric punk pilgrimage are JIMMY EAT WORLD (who?) and NEW FOUND GLORY (wait, are they still a thing?). Get ready to relive your awkward teenage years, whether you like it or not. 🙄
And because fleecing fans is apparently the name of the game, the tour will also offer a VIP package. Because nothing says “punk rock” like paying extra for “premium tickets” (closer to the stage to witness the wrinkles?), a “rideshare voucher” (so you don’t have to admit you took the bus?), a “VIP exclusive tour poster” (suitable for framing…in your grandma’s basement), and a “limited edition gift pack” (probably filled with Offspring-branded garbage). For more information on how to throw your money away, visit vipnation.com. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 💸
The tour celebrates… wait for it… an “incredible year” for THE OFFSPRING. Apparently, releasing their latest album “Supercharged” (more like “Super-Drained”), reaching “historic milestones” (like getting their songs stuck in elevators), touring the globe (with “pretty famous special guests” – who are probably contractually obligated to be there), and having their song “Make It All Right” (by playing the same four chords for 30 years?) hit No. 1 on various charts constitutes an “incredible year.” They also performed on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” (see above: questionable judgement), “CBS This Morning” (because who needs coffee when you have Offspring?), and were featured in Men’s Health (for tips on how to stay young… through plastic surgery?), USA Today (buried on page 47), Billboard (thanks to paid promotion), “Artist Friendly With Joel Madden” (who?), “Bertcast With Brett Kreischer” (okay, I’m officially lost). They’ve continued to “cement their legacy” (in the bargain bin of music history) as one of the most popular punk bands of all time. Sure, Jan. 🤣
THE OFFSPRING, a band formed in 1984 (when dinosaurs roamed the earth), consists of lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist Dexter Holland (who still thinks frosted tips are cool), lead guitarist Noodles (yes, that’s his real name), bassist Todd Morse (the quiet one), drummer Brandon Pertzborn (the new guy who probably regrets his life choices), and multi-instrumentalist Jonah Nimoy (the guy who does… stuff). Over their lengthy career (which should have ended decades ago), they have released ten studio albums (each one more generic than the last). THE OFFSPRING is “credited” (by their publicist) for reviving mainstream interest in punk rock in the 1990s. They’ve sold over 40 million records worldwide (mostly in the ’90s), making them one of the best-selling rock bands in history (if you conveniently ignore inflation and streaming numbers). 🤷♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
