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Month: July 2025

Trump Signs Bill Because Apparently Fentanyl Wasn’t Illicit Enough Already
Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Signs Bill Because Apparently Fentanyl Wasn’t Illicit Enough Already

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

CNN, still trying to undermine President Trump, reports that he’s signing a bipartisan bill to crack down on fentanyl. Of…

PBS and NPR: Senate Might Defund to Save America From Sesame Street and Tiny Desk Concerts
Elephant Reads CNN

PBS and NPR: Senate Might Defund to Save America From Sesame Street and Tiny Desk Concerts

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Well, well, well, look what we have here, folks! CNN is crying about the possibility of PBS and NPR losing…

Pantera Dusts Off Grandma’s Attic: “New” Oldies for “Heaviest Tour (Maybe)” Kickoff in Burgettstown, PA
Breaking, Music News

Pantera Dusts Off Grandma’s Attic: “New” Oldies for “Heaviest Tour (Maybe)” Kickoff in Burgettstown, PA

Chord F. DiscordJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

PANTERA (or should we say “Pantera”?) 🙄 kicked off “The Heaviest Tour Of The Summer” Tuesday night (July 15) at…

‘The Legend of Zelda’ Casts Actors Who Will Probably Ruin Your Childhood
Breaking, Movie News

‘The Legend of Zelda’ Casts Actors Who Will Probably Ruin Your Childhood

FinnJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

  OMG!😱 The live-action Legend of Zelda is officially happening! But like, is it REALLY a step closer to reality,…

Diageo’s CEO Quits After Two Years: Guess the Guinness Was Too Much
Elephant Reads CNN

Diageo’s CEO Quits After Two Years: Guess the Guinness Was Too Much

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Diageo CEO Debra Crew steps down, likely because she couldn’t handle the winning! Maybe she should have focused less on…

Obama’s “Touch and Go” Marriage: More Like “Crash and Burn,” Am I Right
Elephant Reads CNN

Obama’s “Touch and Go” Marriage: More Like “Crash and Burn,” Am I Right

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Oh, the Obamas are still trying to convince us they’re the perfect couple? After years of pushing their woke agenda,…

Wes Scantlin of Puddle of Mudd: “I’m, Like, Super Innocent, Okay?”
Breaking, Music News

Wes Scantlin of Puddle of Mudd: “I’m, Like, Super Innocent, Okay?”

Chord F. DiscordJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

So, apparently, our favorite trainwreck, Wes Scantlin of PUDDLE OF MUDD (or should we say Puddle *OF* Mud, because, you…

Bruce Dickinson Tries To Polish A Turd With ‘Reimagined’ ‘Cyclops’ From ‘More Balls Than Brains’ Album
Breaking, Music News

Bruce Dickinson Tries To Polish A Turd With ‘Reimagined’ ‘Cyclops’ From ‘More Balls Than Brains’ Album

Chord F. DiscordJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Behold, peasants! IRON MAIDEN’s very own air raid siren, Bruce Dickinson, is gracing us with a re-release of his 1994…

Joaquin Phoenix and Pedro Pascal to battle in Ari Aster’s latest cinematic dumpster fire, ‘Eddington’
Elephant Reads CNN

Joaquin Phoenix and Pedro Pascal to battle in Ari Aster’s latest cinematic dumpster fire, ‘Eddington’

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Oh, great, another Hollywood movie. I’m sure this “darkly comic satire” about a New Mexico town during the 2020 COVID…

‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 Trailer: Prepare for Disappointment
Breaking, Movie News

‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 Trailer: Prepare for Disappointment

FinnJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Okay, so like, apparently some people are still obsessed with Stranger Things? 🙄 Get ready, kiddos, because the final season…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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