Okay, so apparently, Dave Lombardo, the dude who hits drums REALLY fast, is now selling coffee. Yes, THAT Dave Lombardo. The one who used to shred with SLAYER. You know, the band your mom hates? Well, he’s back, and this time, he’s here to sell you overpriced beans in a tin that looks like a miniature drum. ☕ Because what every metalhead needs is more caffeine and less money.
So, get this: Lombardo, in a move that screams “I need more cash,” has decided that his drumming prowess translates perfectly into the world of coffee roasting. Apparently, banging on things makes you an expert in… Arabica beans? 🤔 Who knew? This “brilliant reimagining of the classic coffee tin” is basically a drum-shaped container filled with coffee that probably tastes like sadness and regret. But hey, it’s got Lombardo‘s name on it, so it must be good, right? Right? 🤡
Lombardo himself claims, “Coffee’s always been a part of my DNA.” Yeah, sure, Dave. And I’m pretty sure blast-beats are also part of your DNA. So, when are we getting the signature drumstick-shaped espresso tamper? 🙄 He goes on to say that the name “Double Kick” has been rattling around in his head since 2015. So, he’s been sitting on this genius idea for nearly a decade? I guess even legends need time to come up with ways to exploit their fans. 🤣
According to Lombardo, this coffee “rips.” Rips what? Your wallet? Your taste buds? Your sanity? He claims it’s “bold and smooth-flavored, never bitter.” Just like his departure from SLAYER. Too soon? 😬 The tin design is based on one of his favorite kits, and the font is a “direct nod” to a logo he “slashed out years ago.” Because nothing says “high-quality coffee” like a font that looks like it was designed by a deranged metalhead. 🤘
Each drum tin comes in a “unique gift box mailer.” Translation: It’s overpriced and probably costs more to ship than the coffee is worth. 💸 But hey, it makes a “perfect gift and collectible for any music fan and drum enthusiast.” Because what every self-respecting metalhead wants is a drum-shaped coffee tin to display on their shelf, right next to their Funko Pop figures and limited-edition vinyl.🙄
The Costa Rican bean was “hand-selected by Dave himself.” I bet he was down there in the fields, personally picking the beans while shredding on his air guitar.🎸 Right. And it was meticulously roasted to his exact specs by some “#metalcoffee wizards.” 🧙♂️ I didn’t know that was a thing, but okay. Apparently, these “wizards” know how to infuse coffee with the power of thrash metal. Whatever you say, Dave. 🤷♂️
So, if you’re looking to waste your money on some overpriced coffee in a drum-shaped tin, head over to the Concept Cafes website and order Dave Lombardo‘s Double Kick. And while you’re at it, maybe pick up a few extra tins to complete your Lombardo-themed shrine. Just don’t blame me when you realize it tastes like burnt tires and regret. 🔥
And let’s not forget the obligatory bio. Lombardo was born in Cuba, blah blah blah, co-founded SLAYER, blah blah blah, “Cuban speed demon,” blah blah blah, “godfather of double bass.” 🙄 We get it, Dave. You’re a legend. Now, please, stick to drumming and leave the coffee roasting to the professionals. 🙏
Apparently, Lombardo is “showing no signs of slowing down.” Which means we can expect more overpriced merchandise and questionable business ventures in the future. Brace yourselves, metalheads. 2026 promises to be one of his most “provocative and inspiring years to date.” Translation: He’s gonna find new and creative ways to separate you from your money. 😈
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
