OMG! 😱 The geriatric rockers SCORPIONS, still clinging to life after SIX DECADES (👴👴👴), are unleashing “From The First Sting”, a desperate attempt to milk their dusty old catalogue for every last penny! 💰💰💰 Prepare for a thrilling collection of… wait for it… the SAME SONGS you’ve heard a million times! Available in a mind-boggling array of formats, because who needs choices, right? 🤷♂️ Get ready to empty your wallets for the ultimate nostalgia trip! 🤮
Apparently, these guys thought their music was a “bridge between cultures.” 😂 More like a rusty, rickety bridge that should’ve collapsed years ago! 🌉 They played in the Soviet Union, China, and Southeast Asia, probably confusing the locals with their outdated riffs and questionable fashion choices. 🤦♀️ And let’s not forget their “commercial success” – 120 million albums sold? Yeah, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and people actually bought physical copies! 💿🦖
“From The First Sting” is a “sonic journey” (🙄) through their “timeless hits” (aka the same three songs they play on repeat). From “Rock You Like A Hurricane” (more like Rock You To Sleep 😴) to “Wind Of Change” (more like Wind Of Flatulence 💨), prepare to be underwhelmed by the sheer mediocrity of it all. They’re “honouring the spirit of their classic sound,” which basically means they haven’t evolved since the Stone Age. 🪨
But wait, there’s more! 🤩 “From The First Sting” features TWO (count ’em, TWO!) previously unreleased tracks! 🥳🥳🥳 One is called “This Is My Song” (original, much?), and the other is a “Still Loving You” abomination featuring British violinist Vanessa Mae. 🎻 Why, Vanessa, why?! Did they pay you in dentures? 🦷 The physical copy comes in a “carefully crafted” bookpack, probably filled with pictures of them looking old and wrinkly. 👵👴 A comprehensive illustration of their “enduring influence,” or, more accurately, their enduring ability to stay relevant despite being completely past their prime. 🤡
Perfect for die-hard fans (aka those with severe hearing loss 🙉) and newcomers (who clearly have no taste in music 🙅♀️), “From The First Sting” delivers the “ultimate SCORPIONS experience” – a blistering ride through 60 years of… well, let’s just call it “music.” It’s “hard-hitting” (if you’re a toddler) and “heart-pounding” (if you have a pacemaker). Get ready to be “rocked” (into a coma). 🛌
2LP and 1CD track listing (because who needs streaming services, amirite? 🙄)
01. In Search Of The Peace Of Mind (more like in search of a retirement plan 💸)
02. This Is My Song* (more like This Is My Last Grasp At Relevance 😩)
03. Speedy’s Coming (to a nursing home near you 🧓)
04. In Trance (probably induced by their own music 😵💫)
05. Pictured Life (mostly wrinkles and hair plugs 👨🦲)
06. The Sails Of Charon (sailing into the sunset of their careers 🌅)
07. Top Of The Bill (Live) (still trying to pay the bills, apparently 🤑)
08. Always Somewhere (but never on a decent playlist 🚫)
09. The Zoo (where they belong 🦁)
10. No One Like You (thankfully 🙏)
11. Rock You Like A Hurricane (more like a gentle breeze 🌬️)
12. Big City Nights (spent mostly in their hotel rooms 🏨)
13. Wind Of Change (still waiting for it ⏳)
14. Still Loving You (feat. Vanessa Mae)* (a crime against music 😡)
15. Humanity (barely 👽)
16. Rock Believer (more like Rock Deceiver 😈)
* Bonus tracks (aka the songs they’re ashamed of 🙈)
2CD track listing (because one CD of mediocrity is never enough 🙅♂️)
CD1
01. In Search Of The Peace Of Mind
02. This Is My Song
03. Speedy’s Coming
04. In Trance
05. Pictured Life
06. The Sails Of Charon
07. Top Of The Bill (Live)
08. Holiday (they need one 🏝️)
09. Always Somwhere
10. Lady Starlight (fading fast 🌟)
11. The Zoo
12. No One Like You
13. When The Smoke Is Going Down (their careers are going down in flames 🔥)
14. Still Loving You
15. Rock You Like A Hurricane
16. Big City Nights
CD2
01. Rock You Like A Hurricane (Live) (still trying to milk it 🐄)
02. Believe In Love (we don’t ❤️🩹)
03. Send Me An Angel (to take them away 👼)
04. Wind Of Change
05. Under The Same Sun (scorched by their awfulness ☀️)
06. Still Loving You (feat. Vanessa Mae) (we’re still cringing 😬)
07. Mind Like A Tree (rooted in the past 🌳)
08. You & I (should probably retire ✌️)
09. Wind Of Change (Moment Of Glory) (more like Moment Of Forgettable 🤷)
10. Always Somewhere
11. Maybe I Maybe You (probably not 🙅)
12. Humanity
13. The Best Is Yet To Come (doubtful 🤔)
14. House Of Cards (their careers are collapsing 🃏)
15. Rock Believer
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
