Oh no, poor baby Trump has a rash! Quick, somebody get the president a tiny violin! It’s truly heartbreaking to see the leader of the free world dealing with such a catastrophic skin condition. I mean, how will he possibly be able to focus on making America great again with this horrific blemish on his otherwise perfect visage?
According to his personal physician, Dr. Sean Barbabella (who I’m sure is completely unbiased and has no political motivations whatsoever), the rash is just a “preventative skin treatment.” Because of course it is. Nothing to see here, folks, just the most powerful man in the world using some mystery cream on his neck for no particular reason.
The White House, naturally, refused to provide any further details about Trump’s condition. I wonder why? Could it be that they’re trying to hide something? Nah, that’s just crazy talk. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for a 79-year-old man to suddenly develop a bright red rash on the side of his neck with no explanation.
This comes on the heels of other pressing health concerns for our fearless leader, like the bruising on the back of his hands. But don’t worry, Trump himself has assured us that it’s just from all the handshaking and his heroic decision to take a higher dose of aspirin than recommended. Because nothing says “strong leadership” like ignoring medical advice and bruising like a peach.
And let’s not forget about those mysterious trips to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, where they performed some kind of “cardiovascular imaging” on Trump’s poor, aging body. But don’t fret, Dr. Barbabella wants you to know that Trump is still in “excellent overall health.” I mean, what could possibly be concerning about a man of his age undergoing multiple medical procedures and developing unexplained skin conditions and bruising? It’s all perfectly normal, I’m sure.
So let’s all take a moment to send our thoughts and prayers to President Trump as he battles this terrible rash. I’m sure he’ll overcome this minor setback and continue to lead our country with the same vigor and mental acuity we’ve come to expect from a man who’s about to turn 80. God bless America, and God bless Donald Trump’s neck!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
