OMG! 😱 Denis Villeneuve, the guy who made sand look interesting for 3 hours, is directing the new James Bond movie? 🤣 Is this some kind of elaborate joke? I mean, I love watching beige landscapes as much as the next guy, but James Bond? Seriously? 🙄 This is either genius or the biggest cinematic disaster since… well, since the last James Bond movie. 😬
So, apparently, Amazon MGM decided that what the Bond franchise REALLY needed was a director known for making movies that are approximately the same length as a presidential term. 😴 Don’t get me wrong, Villeneuve is a “visionary” or whatever, but last time I checked, James Bond wasn’t about philosophical debates on sand density. 🤷♂️
The article says fans are worried. 🙄 No kidding! We’re talking about a franchise built on explosions, fast cars, and ridiculously improbable gadgets. Now, we’re gonna get… what? A meticulously crafted, visually stunning, but ultimately boring James Bond film where 007 contemplates the meaning of existence while staring at a martini? 🍸 Deep.
Oh, and they’re still trying to figure out who’s gonna play Bond? 🤣 Good luck finding someone who can brood in desaturated lighting for two and a half hours. Maybe they’ll cast a rock. 🪨
The article claims Villeneuve “loves” Bond. Sure, Jan. Everyone “loves” money, too. Doesn’t mean they know what to do with it. 🙄 He probably watched ‘Goldfinger’ once and thought, “Yeah, I can make this 10 times slower and 100 times more depressing.” 😭
Visually stunning? Duh. It’s Villeneuve. He could make a dumpster fire look like high art. 🔥 But will it be *fun*? Will there be witty one-liners? Will Bond actually, you know, *do* stuff? Or will he just stand around looking pensive while the bad guys monologue about the futility of global domination? 😩
‘Blade Runner 2049’ is brought up as an example. Yeah, a box office bomb that only film nerds pretend to like. 🤓 Great precedent. Let’s make a Bond movie that’s so artsy-fartsy, nobody actually watches it. 🤦♀️
He introduced ‘Dune’ to the world? Okay, and I introduce my cat to the toilet, doesn’t mean he’s gonna use it. 😹 Some people liked ‘Dune’ before Villeneuve, believe it or not. Shocking, I know. 🤯
“He knows how to build tension.” Yeah, by making every scene last approximately forever. 🐌 I can feel the tension building just thinking about it. My blood pressure is already through the roof. 😡
“Surely we are all in good hands.” 😂😂😂 Oh honey, no. We’re doomed. This is gonna be a disaster. A beautiful, visually stunning, incredibly boring disaster. 🚢💥
I’m calling it now: the next Bond movie will be 4 hours long, have zero explosions, and feature James Bond knitting a sweater while discussing climate change. 🧶 Save your money, folks. Go watch ‘Casino Royale’ again. 🎲 You’ll thank me later. 🙏
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
