The House of Mouse continues to burn faster than Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar. Walt Disney Corporation recently reported that its flagship streaming service, Disney+, lost a whopping 700,000 subscribers in the last three months of 2024 — but don’t worry, Disney executives insist this is actually great news. After all, « at least it’s not a million! » 🤡
Disney+ in Freefall: Woke Propaganda Costs the Mouse Another 700K Subscribers
Despite having 124.6 million subscribers left, Disney is feeling the heat, especially since their biggest competitor, Netflix, has more than 300 million and growing. While Netflix is busy raking in cash and making actual entertainment, Disney is doubling down on $15-a-month rainbow-colored lectures that nobody asked for. Price hikes, endless reboots, and the constant injection of leftist propaganda have driven fans away in droves. Viewers have had enough of race-swapped princesses, feminist superheroes who remind them of their HR manager, and Star Wars villains who apologize before Force-choking someone.
But if you think Disney is panicking, think again. Insiders have leaked an internal memo revealing that the company’s leadership is celebrating the subscriber loss and rewarding themselves with bonuses. Their logic? « 700,000 subscribers left us? Ha, so they were all racists, haters, and white supremacists. Only the best stayed with us! » 🙄 Meanwhile, behind closed doors, the company is reportedly planning a massive content overhaul to cater to the « right » turn in American politics. What does this mean? Buckle up, because Disney’s « brilliant » strategy to bring back viewers is straight out of a fever dream.
🔥 Disney+’s 5-Step Plan to Win Back Its Fleeing Subscribers 😂
- 💀 5️⃣ « Make Marvel Straight Again » Initiative 🏳️🌈❌
After a decade of pushing diversity hires, Disney+ execs have finally figured out what actual Marvel fans want: men who punch villains, not cry about their feelings. Gone are the days of bisexual Loki, non-binary Spider-People, and She-Hulk twerking with Megan Thee Stallion. In Phase 7, Iron Man returns from the grave — but only to launch a top-rated podcast about masculinity, whiskey, and why feelings are for nerds. Meanwhile, Chris Pratt has been ordered to go bear hunting before every scene, and Captain America’s new catchphrase is simply: « Deal with it. » - 🚀 4️⃣ The « All-White » Star Wars Redemption Trilogy 👨🚀
Since Kathleen Kennedy’s feminist Star Wars experiment went down faster than Alderaan, Disney+ is hitting the reset button. The new Star Wars Redemption Trilogy will feature only rugged, morally ambiguous white guys who barely talk. Finn? Gone. Rose Tico? Never existed. Rey? Turns out she was just a coffee-fetching intern for Luke Skywalker. Even the Millennium Falcon has been upgraded — to run on diesel instead of whatever space-friendly, eco-approved nonsense the last trilogy shoved down our throats. The force is strong, but not nearly as strong as the overwhelming desire to erase everything Disney did post-2015. - 📺 3️⃣ « Forced Subscription Mode »™ – Pay Up or Suffer! 🔒
Sick of Disney+? Think unsubscribing will save you? Think again. The new « Forced Subscription Mode »™ automatically reinstates your subscription unless you pass a « Woke-Free Content » quiz. Get a single answer wrong, and not only are you billed double, but your TV locks you into an endless loop of She-Hulk episodes until you accept your fate. Also, canceling your subscription now requires you to complete a five-page apology letter to Kathleen Kennedy herself. - 🎶 2️⃣ A Live-Action Remake of « Song of the South » 🫣
Since every recent live-action remake has flopped harder than Buzz Lightyear at the box office, Disney has finally snapped and gone full chaos mode. Introducing: A shot-for-shot remake of the most culturally problematic film in Disney’s vault! The tagline? « If we’re gonna get canceled, we might as well earn it. » Executives are even considering a new ride at Disneyland where guests « escape the Twitter mob » in a log-flume ride. - 🐭 1️⃣ Mickey Mouse Declares War on Woke 💣
In the most shocking move yet, Disney’s CEO unveils a new, anti-woke version of Mickey Mouse. In a now-viral ad, Mickey — dressed in a leather jacket and puffing a cigar — announces the immediate cancellation of all DEI initiatives. He then chugs a Bud Light, tells Gen Z to « get a job, » and leads a hostile takeover of Pixar. Critics call it « fascist », but Disney stocks quadruple overnight.
🔥 Can Disney Actually Recover? Or Is It Too Late?
Will these desperate, chaotic moves actually work? Probably not. But at this point, Disney+ is throwing spaghetti at the wall and hoping something sticks. Meanwhile, Netflix is chilling, Amazon is still selling The Boys, and Warner Bros. is just happy they’re not Disney.
The real question is: Will YOU resubscribe to Disney+ if they follow through with these absurd plans? Or has the Mouse’s time finally run out? Let us know in the comments! ⬇️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
