What a Time to Be Alive: Larry Ellison Pledges His Entire Fortune to Save Hollywood from the Streaming Apocalypse
In a move that can only be described as “billionaire-level commitment,” Larry Ellison has officially put his entire net worth on the line to rescue Paramount from what he sees as a dire fate: being left out of the streaming wars while Netflix continues to dominate with its endless supply of reality TV and morally questionable content. The Oracle co-founder, who somehow still has $250 billion after funding various failed tech ventures and questionable yachting expeditions, has personally guaranteed the $40.4 billion equity portion of Paramount’s $78 billion bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. That’s right, folks—Ellison is so confident in this deal that he’s willing to risk losing a sixth of his fortune if things go south. Either this is the ultimate confidence play or he’s been reading too many “How to Win Friends and Influence People” books.
But wait, there’s more! In an effort to prove that his family trust isn’t just a tax shelter with a fancy name, Ellison has agreed to let shareholders peek into its financials. He’s also promised not to revoke the trust, which apparently was a concern for some board members who clearly don’t understand how wealthy families operate. And for good measure, Paramount has published records showing that the trust owns 1.16 billion Oracle shares. Because nothing says transparency like proving you actually own all those shares you’ve been bragging about at exclusive country club gatherings.
Meanwhile, Warner Bros. Discovery’s board continues to play hard to get, rejecting Paramount’s advances multiple times in favor of Netflix’s seemingly more attractive offer of $27.75 per share compared to Paramount’s $30 per share. But here’s the kicker: Netflix plans to spin off all those pesky cable channels—CNN included—into their own separate entity. Because apparently, in today’s world, owning a news network that constantly criticizes conservatives is about as valuable as a participation trophy at a socialist summer camp.
The real question everyone should be asking is: why does Larry Ellison need help from Middle Eastern royalty to fund this deal? The Saudi, Qatari, and Abu Dhabi investors putting up most of the cash must have some ulterior motive, right? Or maybe they just really enjoy American entertainment and want to ensure that future generations can continue to enjoy reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and whatever new disaster Michael Bay decides to film next.
As for the stock market’s reaction? WBD shares jumped 4%, Paramount rose 3%, and Netflix stayed flat. Clearly, investors are thrilled about the prospect of even more corporate mergers and acquisitions. After all, nothing says “healthy competition” like watching a handful of mega-corporations swallow each other whole while consumers get charged more for less content.
Stay tuned for the next episode of “Corporate America: The Soap Opera,” where the only thing more dramatic than the plot twists are the executive bonuses.
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
