OH. MY. GAWD. 😱 Shinedown, those purveyors of fine adult contemporary rock (with *just* enough edge to make your mom think you’re rebellious), are apparently still a thing. Eric Bass, the band’s bassist and resident knob-twiddler, graced Anne Erickson of Audio Ink Radio with his profound wisdom. He dared to speak of the *process* (gasp!) of crafting new “music”. As if anyone truly cares. 🙄
Bass, bless his heart, hinted that they might, possibly, perhaps, if the stars align and the squirrels cooperate, release more auditory wallpaper before the year’s end. Groundbreaking stuff, really. 🤯 “Two tracks are out now,” he stated, like we should all be throwing parades in their honor. “Three Six Five” and “Dance, Kid, Dance” – titles so edgy, they could cut glass… or maybe just bore you into a coma. 😴
He rambled on about how they’re “assessing” the situation. Like Shinedown is some Fortune 500 company deciding on a hostile takeover. 🤣 Dude, you’re a rock band (allegedly). Just churn out the same three chords you’ve been using for the past two decades and call it a day. Nobody will notice the difference anyway. “When it’s time, it’s time,” he proclaimed, as if he’s channeling some ancient rock ‘n’ roll guru. Dude, it’s always “time” to cash in on your dwindling fanbase. 💸
And the best part? He’s mixing it himself! 🤣 Oh, the hubris! He admits it’s “maddening” and makes him feel like a “fraud.” Finally, some honesty! But then he ruins it by saying it’s all worth it when he “lands on something great.” Honey, you landed on “great” sometime back in 2008. Everything since then has been a slow, agonizing descent into mediocrity. 📉
He even had the audacity to say he doesn’t say music “sucks” because “a lot of work” goes into it. Translation: “Please be nice to my garbage music, I spent 10 minutes writing it in my garage.” 🙄
“Three Six Five” and “Dance, Kid, Dance” (still laughing at those titles) were unleashed upon the unsuspecting public on January 24th. Atlantic Records, you have some explaining to do. 🤨
Apparently, “Dance, Kid, Dance” (I can’t stop mocking it) reached the No. 1 spot at Active Rock radio. Which proves that Active Rock radio is either deaf or being held hostage. 📻 This also gave Shinedown their 20th No. 1 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart. They’re tying with the Foo Fighters, which is a travesty. Dave Grohl, I am so sorry. 🙏
They’re even doing a massive tour! In “legendary venues” like Madison Square Garden. 🙄 I’m sure the ghosts of Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix are thrilled to share the space with Shinedown. 👻 Beartooth and Bush are joining them on select dates, which is like mixing prune juice with Metamucil. 💩
Brent Smith, the lead singer (if you can call that caterwauling singing), babbled about the “lyrical inspiration” for “Three Six Five.” Apparently, a bunch of people died, and the song is about… time? Or something? Honestly, I stopped paying attention after the first sentence. 😴 He said, and I quote: “So, quit wasting time and go after it.” Said the guy milking the same tired formula for two decades. Pot, meet kettle. ☕️
And “Dance, Kid, Dance”? It’s a “social commentary song.” 🤣 On what? The proper way to apply eyeliner? He claims it got the “seal of approval” from his 17-year-old son. Well, there you have it, folks. The definitive word on what constitutes good music. If a teenager likes it, it MUST be genius! 🧠
Brent also addressed the fact that the two songs sound nothing alike. “We’re just SHINEDOWN,” he declared. “We play in a big sandbox.” Translation: “We have no idea what we’re doing, so we’re just throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks.” 🤷♂️
He then went on a rant about people being “pigeonholed” into genres. As if Shinedown is some avant-garde, genre-defying act. 😂 Dude, you’re the musical equivalent of beige wallpaper. 🎨
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
