In a move that will undoubtedly change the fabric of our existence, several new movies are now available to stream from the comfort of your own home. Because, let’s be honest, venturing out to a theater is so last decade. This weekend, you can cozy up with a bag of stale popcorn and indulge in the latest offerings from the endless well of content that is modern Hollywood. It’s a wonder the Content Mines remain fully operational, churning out movies at a rate that’s starting to feel like a dare.
Among the new releases is Passenger, a road trip horror movie that promises to deliver all the jump scares and creepy atmospherics you’ve come to expect from the genre. The film tells the story of a young couple who, in a moment of goodwill, pick up a hitchhiker, only to find themselves host to a demonic entity. It’s a premise that’s been done before, but hey, who needs originality when you can rely on familiarity? Passenger is available to stream on Prime Video, Apple TV, and Fandango at Home, because where else would you possibly want to watch it?
More of the Same, But Different
If horror isn’t your thing, perhaps you’d prefer something a little more… tame. Girls Like Girls, a coming-of-age queer romance-drama directed by Hayley Kiyoko, follows a grieving teenage girl as she navigates love and self-discovery in a rural town. It’s a film that promises to tug at your heartstrings, even if the premise feels like something we’ve seen before. But hey, who’s counting? Girls Like Girls is also available to stream on Prime Video, Apple TV, and Fandango at Home, because variety is overrated.
And for those who prefer their movies with a little more… explosions, The Furious is here to deliver. This martial arts thriller tells the story of a humble tradesman who sets out on a violent spree to rescue his kidnapped daughter from a corrupt police force and a criminal network. It’s a premise that’s been done to death, but who needs subtlety when you can have punching and kicking? The Furious is, you guessed it, available to stream on Prime Video, Apple TV, and Fandango at Home.
The Never-Ending Cycle of Content
In other news, Decorado, an existential animated fantasy, has also been released, because why not? The film follows a middle-aged mouse experiencing a midlife crisis as he discovers his entire world is a manufactured reality controlled by an ominous corporation. It’s a premise that sounds like it was concocted by a focus group ofphilosophy majors, but hey, who needs coherence when you can have colorful animation? Decorado is, of course, available to stream on Prime Video, Apple TV, and Fandango at Home, because at this point, what’s the difference?
As the Hollywood machine continues to churn out content with all the finesse of a factory assembly line, it’s hard not to feel like we’re just pawns in a much larger game. Somewhere, an executive is no doubt nodding very seriously in a meeting, declaring that this is the future of cinema. And who knows, maybe it is. Maybe we’ve finally reached the pinnacle of human innovation, and all that’s left to do is rehash the same ideas over and over until the heat death of the universe. But hey, at least the merchandising opportunities are endless.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
