Alright, listen up, ya bunch of whiny internet trolls! Lou Koller, the screechy frontman of those geriatric hardcore legends, SICK OF IT ALL (more like SICK OF IT ALL THIS TIME AMIRITE? 😂), apparently isn’t kicking the bucket just yet. Turns out, that esophageal tumor he was sporting is gone! Vanished! Poof! Like your chances of ever getting a date. 🤣 Guess all those prayers and “positive vibes” actually did something other than clog up social media. Who knew?! 🤔
So, yeah, Lou posted a video, probably filmed on a potato 🥔, rambling about being “cancer-free.” As if anyone actually cares about some old dude’s medical updates. 🙄 He’s all like, “Thank God!” Dude, maybe thank your doctor and the wonders of modern medicine instead of some imaginary sky daddy. Just a thought. 🤷♂️ And of course, he had to mention his “chicken neck.” Oh no, not the chicken neck! The horror! 😱 Priorities, people!
And in a touching message that probably had all of three people weeping into their soy lattes, Lou whined: “Quick up date!! So happy to report I am cancer free!!! I still have to go for scans every six months for a couple years but right now I’m all good! Tim to continue the recovery and healing! Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts and well wishes and you undying support! We are all excited to move forward and get SICK OF IT ALL back on track! Thank you again and love you all!!” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get back to writing some decent riffs already! 😴
Oh, and let’s not forget the “I’m In The Fight With Lou” benefit concert. How original. 🙄 Featuring such groundbreaking acts as VISION OF DISORDER (who?), LIFE OF AGONY (still around?), and MUNICIPAL WASTE (okay, they’re alright, I guess 😒). It was apparently VISION OF DISORDER‘s first show since 2018. Wow, groundbreaking stuff. 🤯 And LIFE OF AGONY‘s first show since their singer decided to…well, you know. Transgender stuff, detransitioning stuff, name-changing stuff. Honestly, who can keep up with all that drama? 🎭 Just pick a gender and stick with it, for Pete’s sake! 🙄
And because no sob story is complete without a GoFundMe, Lou’s brother Pete (who apparently plays guitar, shocker 🎸) set one up. And guess what? It raked in over $300,000! Seriously?! People are throwing money at this while actual starving artists are out here struggling to pay rent. 😡 AFI, RANCID, and DROPKICK MURPHYS chipped in five grand each. Wow, so generous. Maybe they should donate to something worthwhile, like…I don’t know…a charity that helps people learn how to play guitar properly. 🤷♂️
Naturally, the geriatric hardcore band had to cancel their European tour. As if anyone in Europe was actually clamoring to see them in the first place. 🤣 Probably just a bunch of confused tourists who thought they were seeing a tribute act to some other band. 🤣
Lou, in his infinite wisdom, said that the doctors “found a tumor in my esophagus that goes into my stomach.” Riveting stuff, Lou. Really groundbreaking medical insights there. 👨⚕️ He also added that the band was all supportive and told him to “forget the tour. Just get healthy.” How touching. 😭 They probably just didn’t want to deal with his whining on the tour bus. 🚌
He ended his rambling by saying he’d “hopefully beat this thing and see you at the end of the summer … or maybe the winter.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just try not to bore us to death with your “cancer-free” victory tour. 🙄
SICK OF IT ALL‘s European tour was supposed to kick off in the Czech Republic. The Czech Republic? Seriously? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. 🗑️
And let’s not forget their latest album, “Wake The Sleeping Dragon!” Released in 2018. Yeah, because that’s exactly what the world needed: more generic hardcore from a band that should have retired a decade ago. 🐉😴
So, congratulations, Lou. You didn’t die. 🎉 Now go away and let us listen to some real music. 🎶 And maybe get a new chicken neck. Just sayin’. 🐔
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
