FBI Asks X Users To Please Stop Solving Crimes Before They Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop…
Month: January 2025
Wife Announces New Year Resolutions For Husband
RED BLUFF, CA — As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives,…
Slovenia Joins Star Citizen?! 🇸🇮🚀 Gamers Stunned by $60K BRATislava DLC!
Star Citizen, the galaxy’s most expensive PowerPoint presentation masquerading as a video game, is at it again with the announcement…
Disney Announces Live-Action Remake Of Animated Remake Of Live-Action Remake Of Animated Remake Of Live-Action Remake
BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Company announced a bold new take on a classic remake of a classic film…
FBI Assures Nation It Will Put Its Most Diverse Agents On Terror Case
NEW ORLEANS, LA — In the wake of the deadly New Year’s terrorist attack on Bourbon Street, the Federal Bureau…
Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes
Read MoreThe OnionWith the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging…
‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope
Read MoreThe OnionThe post ‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope…
FBI Confirms Terrorist Attack By Stating ‘This Is Not A Terrorist Attack’
NEW ORLEANS, LA — The FBI announced today that the horrific scene in New Orleans was not a terrorist attack,…
White House Insists Jimmy Carter Is Still Sharp And Focused Behind Closed Doors
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite swirling rumors that his demise has negatively affected his cognitive abilities, White House officials insisted today…
Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end,…