đ„ “Shrek 5” Scandal: Zendaya Voiced EVERY Character – Fans OUTRAGED! đ€Ż
Universal Pictures has done it again â and by “it”, we mean sending an entire fanbase into a fiery rage…
Month: February 2025
Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine
    Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITYâRevealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that…
White House Cheerleading Squad Loads Epstein Files In T-Shirt Cannons And Launches Them Into Crowd
WASHINGTON, D.C. â A boisterous and jubilant throng gathered on the front lawn of the presidential residence today to celebrate…
Trump Plans To Sell $5 Million Gold Card Visa To Attract Rich Foreigners
    Read MoreThe OnionPresident Trump said he will introduce a new âgold cardâ visa to attract wealthy foreigners to America, which…
Man With Very Stressful Life Decides to Unwind By Watching Very Stressful Basketball Game
DALLAS, TX â The age-old tradition of people spending their free time engaging in activities that are far less relaxing…
Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout
    Read MoreThe OnionHIALEAH, FLâCrimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downsâ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and…
Sorry Excuse For Worship Song Doesn’t Even Have Guitar Solo
NEWARK, NJ â Churchgoers at New Wine Community Church were reportedly dismayed when they were led in singing a sorry…
Guardian Angel Dutifully Stands Over Man Watching TV To Make Sure He Doesn’t Choke On His Pringles
FORT DODGE, IA â A spiritual sigh could briefly be heard breaking through the veil separating worlds as local man…
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Wonât Be Upsetting Anymore
    Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTONâAddressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child,…
Conservatism Saved As Muslim Sex Trafficker Brought Back To U.S.
U.S. â Patriotic Americans coast to coast raised a collective cheer today after hearing news that conservatism itself had been…