Long Time No Semen
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed…
Month: February 2025
⚖️Lawsuit Incoming! Philly Residents Are Pissed After Recognizing Their City in Avatar: Fire and Ash 🤬
Philadelphia residents are furious after the release of the first stills from James Cameron’s upcoming film «Avatar: Fire and Ash»…
Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses
Read MoreThe OnionST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local…
Study Finds People Trying To Stop Financial Audit Have Absolutely Nothing To Hide
U.S. — Amid ongoing controversy over the Department of Government Efficiency’s investigations into numerous federal agencies to uncover fraud and…
Man Arriving In Heaven Eager To Finally Ask God How Many Liters Of Mountain Dew Code Red He Drank
PEARLY GATES — With eternity before him and the full understanding of the divine presence at hand, local soul William…
🕰️ New «Back to the Future» Game Promises to Rewrite the Past, Present, and Future – Literally ✊⚡
🚗💨 BLM to the Future: Reparations Quest – that’s the name of the unexpected new video game reportedly inspired by…
House Doubles In Value After Being Egged
COLUMBUS, OH — A local couple was delighted to find that their house had nearly doubled in value after getting…
Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City’s Hungover Residents
Read MoreThe OnionPHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to…
Democrats Uncover Devious Billionaire Plot To Spend Billions Buying Social Media Company To Get President Trump Elected In Order To Access The Treasury Database And Steal Grandma’s $695 Social Security Check
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have uncovered a devious billionaire plot to spend billions buying a social media company in order…
Chiefs Fire Their Refs
NEW ORLEANS, LA — Following a demoralizing loss to the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LIX, news broke early Monday…