Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department…
Month: February 2025
Republicans Clarify That Deficit Spending Only A Problem When Democrats Do It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Soon after presenting a new spending bill that adds billions of dollars to the federal deficit, Republicans…
All Of The Changes Coming To Starbucks
Read MoreThe OnionIn an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks’ new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping…
Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She’s Missing
Read MoreThe OnionBOSTON—In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and…
🩸”Give Us Your Kidneys or Get Out!” – Surgeon Simulator Developers Offered to Trade Organs for Job Extensions
Bossa Games, the notorious developers behind “Surgeon Simulator”, “I Am Bread”, and “I Am Fish”, have once again redefined the…
Uh Oh: Saint Peter Starts Asking Everyone At Pearly Gates To List Five Ways They Advanced God’s Kingdom On Earth
HEAVEN — Individuals waiting in line to enter their eternal home were struck with fear, as they realized Saint Peter…
AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered…
Walmart Introduces Mobility Crane To Lift Shoppers Into Their Mobility Scooters
BENTONVILLE, AR — Walmart has introduced handy new “Mobility Cranes” in order to lift heavier shoppers in and out of…
Male Friend Who Responded To Text Within 24 Hours Obviously Gay
U.S. — Local man Trevor Woden accidentally came out of the closet earlier this week by responding to a text…
Here Is The Federal Employee Union’s List Of 10 Demands To The Trump Administration
Read MoreBabylon Bee Finn McFrameFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a…