Jesus Calls On Followers To Eat Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches For 40 Days To Prepare For His Crucifixion
JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to…
Day: March 25, 2025
Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing
MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader…
Dropkick Murphys vs. Lady Gaga: Drunken Punk Wrecks Pop Diva’s Boutique, Mistaking It for a MAGA Store 
A night at the bar, a few too many pints, bad eyesight, and a lifelong hatred for Donald Trump merch—this…
Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans
Read MoreThe OnionTop national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military…
After Years of Debate, Theologians Now Agree That Lying To Your Dentist About Flossing Is Not A Sin
LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of fierce debate, theologians from all the major branches of Christianity have now come…
Disney Puts Rachel Zegler In The Vault
BURBANK, CA — Following the disastrous box office opening of Disney’s Snow White, actress Rachel Zegler has been stored in…
Democrats Estimate They Are Only One More Arson Away From Being Popular Again
U.S. — Despite record-low polling numbers among American voters, Democratic Party leaders were confident they could turn things around and…
Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads
Read MoreThe OnionSAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available…