The Jackal.Today editorial team sniffed around through our secret channels (yes, we have people even in Valve’s basement, where Gabe Newell keeps programmers locked up, feeding them only Dota and CS2 skins), and we’ve confirmed that Half-Life 3 is indeed nearing completion. But don’t celebrate just yet!
Our source – a programmer named █████ (whom we obviously won’t reveal, because he’s afraid Gabe will personally pack him into a loot box) – leaked a few key details about the upcoming game. Brace yourselves: Half-Life 3 will be… an MMO survival game in an open world with a battle pass! 😱💀
Exclusive Insider Details from Valve
Imagine this nightmare: instead of a linear story and mind-blowing level design from Valve, you’ll get a giant open world where you must gather resources, build a base, and survive among thousands of other nerds. Gordon Freeman? Forget him. Now, you’ll create your own custom character – and yes, you can pick not only your gender but also an unlimited set of identity preferences to match the 2025 trends. 🙄
And that’s not all! To play the game, you’ll have to… SUBSCRIBE! Yep, Valve finally figured out how to milk us dry, and Half-Life 3 will run on a “pay for air” model. And if you want to reach the final showdown with G-Man, you’ll need to purchase a season pass for $69.99 (coincidence? We think not). 🚗💸
Content for the Sake of Content
As our source █████ told us, Valve went even further and integrated NFTs and microtransactions. Instead of classic crowbar gameplay, you’ll now collect weapon skins and trade them on a built-in Steam blockchain platform. And yes, you’ll have to grind for rare crowbars to resell them for real money (or rent them out to broke college students who can’t afford the elite titanium crowbar engraved with “I Waited for Half-Life 3”). 🤣😂
But the worst part? It’s co-op! The entire game is built around teamwork, meaning if you play solo, you’re doomed. And if your buddy accidentally loses all your loot to some cyber-hobo with the username “xX_G-Man_228_Xx”? Well, you better buy the premium insurance package!
The Gameplay We Deserve
Did you think Half-Life 3 would bring us a fresh, innovative shooter with a genius story? Ha! Instead, we’re getting this:
- Grind, grind, and more grind – you won’t even unlock the story until you’ve farmed resources for 100 hours!
- NFT crowbars – the rarest ones cost as much as a new MacBook!
- Paid ending – the final battle with G-Man is only available to premium users!
- Freeman-who? – Gordon’s classic look is locked behind a $99 paywall!
- Pay-to-jump mechanics – want to jump? Buy the “Gravity Subscription”!
In short, everything genius is simple. Or in this case, simply paywalled. 🥳🙈
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
