In the world of video games, absurdity has reached warp speed. The space sim Star Citizen, which has been in eternal Alpha since 2012, just hit a jaw-dropping $800 million in crowdfunding. 🎉 Yes, you read that right — eight. hundred. million. dollars. 💰💰💰 And no, this isn’t satire. Or… maybe it is.
🎮 Star Citizen: $800 Million for a Dream, and $800 Million More to Remaster That Dream
Despite the record-breaking haul, Cloud Imperium Games stunned the gaming world with a bold announcement: “We need another $800 million… the game’s already outdated.” 🫠
If you’re one of the delusional gamers still hoping to play Star Citizen before retirement, buckle up. According to lead dreamweaver Chris Roberts, the game — which hasn’t even launched yet — is officially obsolete. It’s like renovating a house you never built because the blueprint got dusty. But don’t worry, a new release window has been announced: 2040-ish. Or maybe 2050. It depends on the moon cycle and whether the devs feel “vibey” that day.
👨🚀 Chris Roberts: “Yes, I snorted something. But it wasn’t bugs. It was space dust.”
In a press conference held in a bunker made of shredded Kickstarter receipts, Chris Roberts emerged wearing a T-shirt that read “Still Alpha, Still Awesome” and declared: “This game was built on DirectX 9. It’s 2025. This thing is ancient. We can’t release this fossil. It’s disrespectful to our donors… I mean, players.” 🤡
When journalists pointed out the white powder on his face, Roberts shrugged: “That’s not cocaine. That’s lunar sugar. We’re so deep into development, our sweat comes out as C++.” Meanwhile, tech bros in Silicon Valley took notes like, “How to raise $1B and release nothing. Genius.”
👾 The Fans Are Divided… or Confused. Same Thing.
The Star Citizen community is now split between two camps: the Faithful and the Cynical. The Faithful — mostly 50-year-old guys with triple-monitor setups, liquid-cooled PCs, and a tattoo that says “Patch 3.20 Is Life” — still believe. The Cynical? They moved on to Baldur’s Gate 3 and now scream from Reddit balconies: “We told you idiots!”
Debates on the forums are wild:
- “You just don’t understand Chris’s visionary genius!”
- “Bro, he sold you a JPEG spaceship for $12,000. Wake up.”
Meanwhile, Roberts casually dropped a new ship in the online store — an NFT of a ship that only exists in the conceptual idea of a maybe-future.
🤡 Cloud Imperium Announces: Remastering a Game No One Has Ever Played
The remaster of this mythical game includes:
- A new engine that supports more nothing than ever before
- Audio you still won’t hear
- NPCs with “enhanced” idling animations
- And a quest system so dynamic that it doesn’t even exist yet — in 4K, of course
According to Roberts, the game will be rebuilt from scratch — again — using Unreal Engine 7, AI-powered lip-sync tech, and vibes from the astral plane. “We’re aiming for the most ambitious video game in history… that no one will ever play,” he concluded, before moonwalking into a pile of stretch goals.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
