DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife
Read MoreThe OnionSPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch”…
Month: April 2025
Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block appeared first on The Onion. Finn McFrameFinn McFrame,…
Trump ‘Not Joking’ About Seeking Third Term
Read MoreThe OnionDonald Trump claimed he is not joking about the possibility of seeking a third presidential term despite it…
Actual Nazi Struggling To Stand Out Now That Everyone Is A Nazi
HAYDEN, ID — With the Left accusing more people of being Nazis than ever before, local Nazi Chuck Pohlhaus is…
Cory Booker Hosts 24-Hour PSA On The Dangers Of Crystal Meth
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brave move hailed by political analysts as an inspiring display of courage, New Jersey Senator…
Awkward: Pete Buttigieg Returns To White House From Maternity Leave
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Administration staffers were caught off guard by a painfully awkward situation today as former Transportation Secretary Pete…
Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion. Finn McFrameFinn…
🤘 Donald Trump & Kid Rock Take Down Ticket Scalpers: Drastic Measures and a Special “Patriot Tax” 🇺🇸
In a time when scoring concert tickets is like battling a horde of rabid raccoons, Donald Trump and his trusty…
British Man Arrested For Silently Praying For Person Stabbing Him
LONDON — Authorities reported the successful arrest of a 38-year-old man who was caught silently praying for the well-being of…
Theologians Confirm We Are All Made In The Image Of God, Even Steve
U.S. — After weeks of intense theological reflection and debate, an interdenominational group of pastors and scholars has just confirmed…