Oh, bless his little bat-eating heart! 🦇 Ozzy Osbourne, bless him, says he’ll “do the best” he can at his “final” gig. Yeah, right. We’ve heard that one before, haven’t we? This is like the eleventy-billionth “farewell tour” in rock history. Is it really a “farewell” if you’re planning on coming back in 5 years for more? 🤔
So, the geriatric titans of metal, BLACK SABBATH (original members, allegedly, for the first time in 20 years – someone check their birth certificates, please!), are crawling out of their crypts for one last payday, I mean, show. It’s called “Back To The Beginning” which is ironic, because they’re closer to the end than the beginning, right? 👴👴👴👴 Anyway, it’s at Villa Park in Birmingham, because where else would a bunch of Brummies play? 🤷♂️
And who’s supporting this fossil fuel extravaganza? Oh, just a few nobodies like METALLICA, SLAYER (wait, they broke up!), LAMB OF GOD, MASTODON, PANTERA (without Dimebag and Vinnie? 🙄), and ANTHRAX. I guess they needed some young blood to help carry Ozzy to the stage. Seriously, though, who signed off on this lineup? Did they just throw darts at a list of metal bands from 1985? 🎯
Ozzy, bless his heart again, told *The Guardian* he’ll “be there, and I’ll do the best I can. So all I can do is turn up.” Real inspiring stuff, Oz. Groundbreaking. Next he’ll be telling us water is wet. 🙄 At this point, I think all we are expecting is that he actually shows up. We have all seen him live, so we know the bar is not set that high!
He’s got the usual laundry list of ailments: spinal surgery, Parkinson’s, probably a bad case of the Mondays too. He says his wife, Sharon (who, let’s be honest, is the real mastermind behind this whole thing), concocted this reunion as “something to give me a reason to get up in the morning.” Awww, how sweet. And by “reason,” she means “a giant pile of money.” 💰
He’s “doing weights, bike riding” – picture that for a second – and has a “guy living at my house who’s working with me.” Sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. “The Osbournes: Geriatric Edition.” I’d watch it. 📺
He’s even got a “vocal coach coming round four days a week to keep my voice going.” Good luck with that! It’s not like Ozzy’s ever been known for his Pavarotti-esque pipes. 🎤 More like a strangled cat gargling gravel, but hey, that’s what we love (or tolerate) about him!
And the best part? “We’re only playing a couple of songs each. I don’t want people thinking ‘we’re getting ripped off’.” Oh, Ozzy, honey, it’s a little late for that. We’ve been getting ripped off by rock stars for decades. It’s practically a tradition. It is what the fans expect. 💸
Sharon chimes in, bless her heart, that Ozzy’s “very happy to be coming back and very emotional about this.” Emotional about the money, probably. And she says his voice is “as good as it’s ever been.” Either Sharon is completely deaf, or she’s just really good at her job. Maybe both. 🤔
Ozzy says he’s in “heavy training” doing “two sets of three-minute walks a day and weight training.” Dude, I do more than that walking to the fridge. 🚶♂️ But hey, at his age, three minutes probably feels like a marathon.
He’s “not planning on doing a set with BLACK SABBATH but I am doing little bits and pieces with them.” So, basically, he’s going to shuffle on stage, mumble a few lines, and then get wheeled off. Sounds about right. ♿
He even acknowledges he can’t walk properly, but hey, “I’m not dead. I’m still actively doing things.” Like collecting Social Security and complaining about the weather, probably. ⛅
And because every rock star needs a cause, proceeds from this cash grab – I mean, concert – will support Cure Parkinson’s, the Birmingham Children’s Hospital, and Acorn Children’s Hospice. So, at least some good will come.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
