Kerry King, the metalhead who peaked in the 80s, blesses us with his geriatric supergroup! 👴🎸 In a groundbreaking interview with Sweetwater (because who else would interview him?), Kerry revealed the secret formula for his band: only hire your friends who are also ancient. No young blood allowed! 🧛♂️🚫Apparently, he’s worried about looking like he’s robbing the cradle, even though his music sounds like it was exhumed from one. ⚰️🎶
So, the lineup? We’ve got Paul Bostaph (the *other* Slayer drummer), Kyle Sanders (from that band nobody remembers, Hellyeah), Phil Demmel (who escaped Machine Head before it became a nu-metal karaoke machine), and Mark Osegueda (from Death Angel, proving Kerry’s Rolodex hasn’t been updated since 1987). 📞 It’s basically the metal version of “The Expendables,” except instead of blowing stuff up, they’re playing the same tired riffs. 🔥😴
Kerry, in his infinite wisdom, says he wanted a “cohesive group of people.” Translation: he wanted guys who wouldn’t challenge his authority or steal his dentures. 🦷 He also emphasized the importance of friendship and a “fun environment.” Because nothing screams “fun” like playing the same songs for 40 years with the same grumpy dudes. 🎉😠
And the advice for young musicians? Oh, it’s gold, Jerry, gold! ✨ Kerry, who clearly regrets nothing (except maybe that time he cut off his beard), says the most important thing is to play with your friends. Forget talent, originality, or any semblance of creativity. Just find some buddies who like the same music (read: Slayer) and you’re golden! 🌟 Except you’ll probably end up playing dive bars for beer money. 🍺💸
His debut solo album, “From Hell I Rise,” which is ironically titled because it sounds like it’s been in hell for decades, came out in May. 🗓️ All the material was written by Kerry himself, because who needs collaboration when you’ve got ego? 💪 It was recorded with Josh Wilbur, who has worked with the likes of Korn and Lamb of God. So, basically, Kerry’s trying to stay relevant by association. 🤝
But wait, there’s more! Kerry is already planning a second album! 🤯 He’s so prolific, it’s almost like he’s been writing the same song for his entire career. He wants to go straight into the studio after touring, because apparently, he’s afraid of losing his “tour chops.” 🥋 I didn’t know shredding gave you chops. Maybe he’s thinking of lamb chops. 🐑🍴
When asked if he’d explore different influences, like punk rock, Kerry scoffed. 🤣 “Punk was pretty well covered on [‘From Hell I Rise’],” he declared, conveniently forgetting that his idea of punk is just playing Slayer songs slightly faster. 💨 He then said he wants to make an “extension” of “From Hell I Rise.” So, basically, more of the same. Groundbreaking! 🌍💥
He even admitted that he knew people would compare his solo album to Slayer. 🙄 “I’m not afraid of that because I think it stands up to anything we’ve done in our history,” he bragged. Delusional much? 🤔 But then he added, “There will be people complaining, ‘Why does it sound like Slayer?’ And ‘why doesn’t it sound *more* like Slayer?'” Because you can never please the internet trolls, Kerry! 😈
And of course, no Kerry King project would be complete without a tour. 🚌 He kicked it off in January, with Municipal Waste and Alien Weaponry as support. So, a bunch of bands that peaked at different times, united by their love of loud noises and questionable fashion choices. 🤘👕
In conclusion, Kerry King’s solo project is exactly what you’d expect: a reheated version of Slayer, fronted by a grumpy old man who refuses to evolve. 🦖 But hey, at least he’s having fun with his friends. Right? …Right? 😬
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
