OMG! 😱 You guys will NOT believe this. After subjecting audiences to its sheer awesomeness in 2023, Birmingham Royal Ballet’s “Black Sabbath – The Ballet” (yes, you read that right) is going on a UK tour in 2025. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Ballet and Black Sabbath? What is this, some kind of fever dream?” But trust me, it’s real, and it’s probably the most hilariously misguided thing I’ve heard all week.
Fresh off Black Sabbath’s farewell gig (again? 🤔 Didn’t they “farewell” like, five years ago?) at Villa Park, “Black Sabbath – The Ballet” will be “thrilling” audiences (or maybe just confusing them) at Birmingham Hippodrome, Manchester’s The Lowry (Salford, to be precise, because location accuracy is *super* important when you’re desecrating heavy metal), Theatre Royal Plymouth, Sadler’s Wells, London, and Edinburgh Festival Theatre. Prepare for pirouettes of doom! 🤘
Apparently, the premiere season sold out in 2023, proving that either people have no taste or they were just really, really curious. The 2025 tour promises “brand-new audio interviews” with Black Sabbath members, Sharon Osbourne (because of course), and “fans from across the globe.” I’m picturing a bunch of bewildered metalheads awkwardly trying to explain why they’re watching ballet. 😂 The sound design has also been “revised, sharpened, and turned up to full volume.” Because what this ballet REALLY needed was MORE volume. 🙄
Birmingham Royal Ballet director Carlos Acosta (who, let’s be honest, probably lost a bet) said they were “blown away” by the “awesome success” of the ballet. He also claims they’re “cranking the volume up to 11,” which is hilarious because ballet is known for its delicate subtlety, right? 🤣 He promises to “knock everyone’s socks off!” I’m betting it’ll be more like knocking their brains out with sheer bewilderment.
Black Sabbath co-founder Tony Iommi, bless his heart, said Black Sabbath has “always been innovators and never been predictable.” Well, Tony, you’ve officially outdone yourself. This is so unpredictable it’s practically an absurdist comedy. He says it was “incredible” to see their music brought to life in a way he “never thought possible!” I’m pretty sure no one thought this was possible, Tony. That’s the point! 🤪
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
