Oh, sweet lord, another washed-up hardcore dude trying to stay relevant. 🙄 Harley Flanagan, the human embodiment of a mid-life crisis in a wifebeater, and his better half, Laura Lee Flanagan, are here to bless us with their combined wisdom. Prepare to be enlightened (or, more likely, aggressively bored) as they peddle Laura’s new cookbook, “Hardcore Vegetarian: Welcome To The Vegedome!” and Harley’s sob story documentary, “Harley Flanagan: Wired For Chaos.” Because, you know, we were all just DYING to know more about this guy. 🙄
So, apparently, Laura, bless her heart, has penned a cookbook for all you sheeple who haven’t figured out that plants are, like, totally edible. 🥦🥕🌽 It’s called “Hardcore Vegetarian,” but don’t let the name fool you. It’s probably less about throwing down vegan mosh pit recipes and more about how to make a kale smoothie without wanting to punch a wall. 🧘♀️ According to Laura, the book is “warm, welcoming, and nonjudgmental,” which is code for “I’m trying really hard not to sound like a preachy vegan.” Good luck with that, sweetie. 😇
Laura claims that food is love. 💖 We all know that the only true love is the love of a perfectly cooked steak 🥩. This is not a cooking book, it is a love story between Harley and Laura, they met in a veggie restaurant and fell in love with the taste of tofu. She also babbles about how food discourse has become “strange, political, aggressive, and preachy.” Newsflash, Laura: everything is political now, even your bland-ass lentil soup. 🥣 Get over it.
Harley, bless his cotton socks, credits vegetarianism for his “ongoing physical health.” 🙄 Right, because avoiding meat is the ONLY reason he’s still kicking at 58. 👴 It couldn’t possibly be the years of rage-fueled workouts and questionable life choices, could it? He even brags about doing “1,000 pushups a day.” Yeah, okay, grandpa.👴 We’ll just add that to the pile of things that definitely happened. 🤥
He’s not pushing vegetarianism on anyone, he claims, but then proceeds to list his supposed physical achievements as proof that plants are the elixir of youth. 🌿💊 Methinks the man doth protest too much. 🤔 And let’s be real, if Harley’s diet was so amazing, wouldn’t he be able to hold a decent conversation without sounding like he’s constantly auditioning for a tough-guy role in a B-movie? 🎬
Oh, and let’s not forget “Harley Flanagan: Wired For Chaos,” the documentary that promises an “unflinching look” at his “chaotic and often violent life.” 🙄 Because what the world REALLY needs is another gritty, self-aggrandizing tale of a dude who made bad choices and now wants everyone to feel sorry for him. 😢 He calls it “disturbing” but “hopeful.” Translation: “I’m a mess, but look how far I’ve come! Give me attention!” 🌟
He even drops the “knocked down seven times, get up eight” cliché. 😴 Groundbreaking stuff, Harley. Truly inspiring. 🙄 We’re all just so impressed by your ability to…exist. 🤷♀️
The documentary features appearances from Flea, Ice-T, Henry Rollins, and a bunch of other people who probably regret agreeing to be in it. 🤦♀️ It’s supposed to be about the “lasting effects of trauma,” but let’s be honest, it’s probably just an excuse for Harley to relive his glory days and remind everyone that he was once a “punk rock legend.” 🎸🔥
Apparently, Harley’s childhood was filled with iconic artists and copious amounts of sex, drugs, and violence. 🪅🎉 Sounds like a real party. 🎉 But, you know, trauma. 🥺 So, we’re supposed to feel bad for him, even though he’s clearly still riding that wave of “cool” that he thinks he earned back in the day. 🏄♂️
The documentary is directed by Rex Miller, who, according to the press release, has won a bunch of awards. 🏆 Good for him. 👍 Maybe he can use those awards to buy himself a lifetime supply of earplugs after having to listen to Harley ramble on for hours. 🙉
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
