On Friday, May 9, 2025, Lemmy Kilmister, the dude who made a career out of singing about speed and playing bass like a freight train falling down a flight of stairs, was “honored” with a statue in Burslem, Stoke on Trent. Because apparently, that’s what dead rockstars need: more bronze. 🤘
So, Phil Campbell, the only Motörhead guitarist anyone remembers (sorry, other guys), showed up to chuck some of Lemmy’s ashes into this monument crafted by local sculptor Andy Edwards, who, let’s be honest, probably charges extra for Beatles statues. I bet he was thrilled to get to sculpt Lemmy’s warts and all! The day apparently involved “fun,” “friends,” and enough volume to make your grandma’s hearing aid explode. 💥
The ceremony kicked off at 4:00 p.m. sharp in Burslem town center, because nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like punctuality. Friends were encouraged to arrive early and partake in some pre-ceremonial Motörhead-branded beverages. I’m picturing lukewarm beer with a “Motörhead” label slapped on it, sold at twice the price. The Market Place Café even had a special Motörhead roast of the day. I can only assume it was a slab of meat cooked until it resembled leather, served with a side of whiskey-flavored gravy. 🥃
The festivities included a biker’s corteo. You know, those guys who think Harleys are a substitute for personality. They escorted Lemmy’s ashes, probably weaving in and out of traffic and revving their engines obnoxiously. There were also “various speakers,” who undoubtedly droned on about Lemmy’s “legacy” and “impact” while everyone was just thinking about when they could get another drink. And a “roaring 21-rev salute.” Because 21 gun salutes are so last century. 🙄
The statue itself is supposed to capture Lemmy in all his “live glory” from the 1981 era. Which means it’s probably got him sporting a cowboy hat, mutton chops that could house a family of squirrels, and a sneer that could curdle milk. Apparently, 1981 was also the year Motörhead headlined the Heavy Metal Holocaust at Port Vale Stadium. Ah yes, the Heavy Metal Holocaust. Sounds like a fun family outing! 🔥
Some dude named Nobby, a self-proclaimed Motörhead fanatic, told BBC Radio Stoke that he’d been following the band since he was 15. Which means he’s probably been deaf since he was 16. He described the unveiling as “absolutely awesome.” Because what else are you going to say when you’ve spent your entire adult life worshipping a guy who died from being too awesome? 🤷♂️
“It’s unbelievable — it looks alive. Looking at it now, he really has captured Lemmy to a tee. It’s brilliant,” Nobby gushed. I bet he also thinks Nickelback is underrated. “It’s well worth the wait, well worth everything and I hope it brings people to Burslem to see it.” Yes, because Burslem is a real tourist hotspot. Move over, Paris, there’s a Lemmy statue in town! 🗼
Edwards, the sculptor, who’s also done statues of The Beatles, Bob Marley, Sir Alex Ferguson, Muhammed Ali, and the Bee Gees, said: “Of all the figures in music, there aren’t that many that have the unique stature that Lemmy does.” I think he meant “stature” as in “ability to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels in one sitting.” He continued, “He’s like an avatar of the purest spirit of rock and roll — he’s one of us.” No, he’s not “one of us.” He’s a dead rockstar who’s been turned into a bronze idol. Get over yourself. 🤦♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
