Oh look, another guitar! 🙄 Apparently, Jackson, bless their corporate hearts, decided that what the world REALLY needed was ANOTHER Scott Ian signature model. This time, it’s black. Groundbreaking. They’re slapping a new coat of paint (gloss black, the most original color EVER) on the X-Series Signature V KVXT Guitar and calling it news. Someone get these guys a thesaurus. And maybe a reality check. 🤦♂️
So, Scott Ian, you know, the dude from ANTHRAX (remember them? The “other” thrash band?), has been in bed with Jackson since ’88. Apparently, that’s when they birthed the custom New York Yankees Soloist. I bet that thing screams “pinstripes and disappointment.” Now, they’re churning out more signature models because… reasons? Supposedly, these guitars deliver his “signature aggressive metal tone.” Translation: they’re loud and probably muddy. 🤷♂️
Top features, you ask? Oh, you didn’t? Well, I’m telling you anyway:
- It’s black! 🖤 (With gold hardware, because apparently Scott Ian is secretly a pirate. Arrrgh!)
- Jackson high-output humbucking pickups. (Because subtlety is for losers, right? 💥)
- A 12″-16″ compound radius bound Rosewood fingerboard. (I have no idea what that means, but it sounds fancy. Probably doesn’t make you play any better though. 🤣)
ANTHRAX, formed by Ian and some other guy (Dan Lilker, who cares?) back in ’81, was apparently “one of the first” thrash bands. Okay, grandpa. They’re also considered “a leader in the genre” alongside METALLICA, SLAYER, and MEGADETH. One of these things is not like the others… 🤔
Active for FIVE DECADES?! Someone get these guys a retirement plan. They’ve released 11 albums, which probably all sound the same. They got some gold and platinum thingies, because apparently people bought their stuff at some point. Six Grammy noms? Bless their hearts. They even played Madison Square Garden! With the “Big Four”! (And probably opened for them. Just sayin’.) 🙄
The current ANTHRAX lineup includes Ian, some bassist nobody’s heard of (Frank Bello), a drummer (Charlie Benante), a singer (Joey Belladonna), and some other guitarist (Jon Donais). It’s like Spinal Tap, but less funny. 🤡
In 2017, Scott released his SECOND book. “Access All Areas: Stories From A Hard Rock Life.” I bet it’s filled with tales of groupies, trashed hotel rooms, and crippling boredom. Can’t wait! (Said no one ever.) 😴
Apparently, Scott’s seen some stuff. He’s punched a “legendary musician” (probably by accident), been a bouncer (because security guards weren’t available?), guest-starred on “Married With Children” (peak comedy!), invaded a rock star’s home (trespassing is metal!), played poker professionally (because music wasn’t paying the bills?), gone on a “non-date” with Madonna (awkward!), and appeared on “The Walking Dead” (fitting, considering the state of his career). 🧟
Scott told Rolling Stone that his autobiography wasn’t a typical rock-star story. He claims it’s about how anyone can achieve something with hard work. “I swear to God, just out of being a fucking tenacious prick, that’s how this band happened.” So, basically, he’s admitting he’s annoying and persistent. Got it. 👍
ANTHRAX is still working on a new album. Because the world is clamoring for more ANTHRAX in 2024. Seriously, guys, just hang it up already. 💀
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
