OH. MY. GOD. 🙄 Another prequel? Because Hollywood is just *bursting* with original ideas, right? Rambo’s origin story? I’m sure we’re all DYING to know how a dude learned to tie a bandana and scowl menacingly. 🙄🙄🙄 Is this what we’ve come to? Milking every last drop of nostalgia until the cow is drier than Stallone’s acting in ‘Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!’? 🤣
Word on the street (aka Deadline, because who reads newspapers anymore?) is that they’re desecrating… I mean, *expanding* the Rambo universe with a “John Rambo” prequel. Because apparently, five movies of Stallone grunting and blowing things up weren’t enough. We NEED to see Young Rambo learning to grunt and… uh… blow things up? Groundbreaking. 🤯
And of course, it’s Millennium Media behind this. Because when I think “nuance” and “subtlety,” I think “the studio that brought us ‘Olympus Has Fallen.'” 🤣 Seriously, guys, can we just let Rambo retire in peace? He’s earned it. He’s probably got a bad back from carrying all those explosions. 👴
They even hired Rory Haines and… wait for it… *SPOILER ALERT* …and ‘Black Adam’ writer Sohrab Noshirvani. ‘Black Adam’? REALLY? I’m sure that’s a sign of quality. 🤦♂️ At least they got Jalmari Helander, director of ‘Sisu’, because apparently, gratuitous violence is a must for this prequel.
Jonathan Yunger, President of Millennium, is “thrilled” (obviously) to introduce a “fresh new chapter.” Fresh? Honey, this franchise is older than sliced bread. And Helander is apparently a “huge fan” since the age of 11. Okay, kid, calm down. Just don’t ruin my childhood. 😫
But wait, there’s more! Let’s not forget the OG source material: David Morrell’s book, ‘First Blood’. You know, the one with actual character development and a nuanced anti-war message? Yeah, that’s probably going to be completely ignored in favor of more explosions and questionable dialogue. 💣
The original ‘First Blood’ was gritty and somewhat realistic. Then ‘Rambo: First Blood Part II’ happened, and suddenly, Rambo was a one-man army taking on the entire Vietnamese army. I guess realism went out the window with the first rocket launcher. 🚀
So, what’s the story going to be for “John Rambo”? Apparently, it’s about Young Rambo during the Vietnam War. Expect lots of jungle warfare, PTSD, and probably some questionable portrayals of the Vietnamese. 😬 Oh, and the casting? Good luck finding someone who can fill Stallone’s ridiculously large shoes (and biceps). 🏋️♂️
And Stallone? He’s “aware” of the project but not “involved.” Translation: he’s probably rolling his eyes so hard he can see his brain. 😂 They “hope” he’ll cameo. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe they can CGI his face onto a younger actor. That always works out great. 🤖
As for when “John Rambo” will grace our screens… who knows? Millennium is shopping it around at Cannes. I’m sure studios are lining up to throw money at this guaranteed cinematic masterpiece. NOT! 🙄
So, there you have it. Another unnecessary prequel that nobody asked for. But hey, at least it’ll give us something to complain about on the internet. 💻 Time to fire up the meme generators! 🔥
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
