Metal Blade Records, a label known for its impeccable taste (citation needed), has apparently signed Tasmanian death metal band PSYCROPTIC. Yes, you read that right. Tasmania. Death metal. It’s like finding a vegan butcher shop – makes absolutely no sense. 🤪
Australia, a land known for its kangaroos, spiders that could kill a small horse, and apparently, a never-ending supply of death metal bands that sound exactly the same. Most of these bands thankfully stay Down Under, but occasionally, one escapes. Enter PSYCROPTIC, a band that’s been allegedly “maintaining” a position for 25 years. We’re not sure what position that is, but we’re guessing it’s somewhere between “local pub act” and “opening for a tribute band.” 🙄
Supposedly, when future historians (who clearly have nothing better to do) write about technical metal, they’ll mention PSYCROPTIC. We imagine it’ll be a footnote, something along the lines of “and then there was PSYCROPTIC, who tried really hard.” They apparently “blasted” into the underground in the late ’90s and then proceeded to “drag” the metal scene closer to their sound. More like dragged it through a muddy field of mediocrity. Their music supposedly guides you through “dense riff jungles” before bursting into “powerfully rhythmic grooves.” Translation: it’s noisy, chaotic, and probably gives you a headache. 🤕
And then there are the Haley brothers. Apparently, guitarist Joe has an “esoteric, impenetrable picking style” that “weaves musical hooks.” We think they meant “musical barbs” that snag on your eardrums and refuse to let go. And Dave‘s “pulsating rhythms” are so synchronized that only brothers with decades of experience can achieve it. We’re pretty sure any two siblings who’ve spent enough time annoying each other could achieve the same level of “synchronization.” The fact that they’re joined by Todd Stern on bass and Jason Peppiatt on vocals is apparently “almost unfair.” Unfair to whom? The audience? 😂
Guitarist Joe Haley, in a moment of apparent delusion, commented on the band’s signing to Metal Blade, claiming that the label had a “big impact” on shaping who they are as musicians. We’re guessing that impact involved a lot of rejected demos. He also said that Metal Blade has “always represented the pinnacle of heavy music.” We’re pretty sure bands like Cannibal Corpse and Amon Amarth might disagree. He calls joining Metal Blade a “surreal and humbling moment.” We call it a publicity stunt. 🤷
Bassist Todd Stern chimed in, saying that the timing and fit with Metal Blade are “seemingly perfect.” We’re guessing that means Metal Blade was desperate and PSYCROPTIC was willing to sign anything. He also promised a “dense, hard-hitting single” called ‘Architects Of Extinction’. We’re guessing it’s about as enjoyable as watching paint dry. 😴
Next week, PSYCROPTIC will be gracing the stages of Australia and Europe with their presence. Audiences, you have been warned. ⚠️
Apparently, PSYCROPTIC‘s first two albums were “underground classics.” We’re guessing that means only their mothers liked them. Vocalist Matthew Chalk and bassist Cameron Grant were apparently part of the “first squad.” We’re not sure what kind of squad that is, but we’re guessing it involved a lot of questionable fashion choices. They toured Australia, including “legendary” appearances at Metal For The Brain festival. We’re guessing the legend involves someone throwing a shoe at the stage. 👟
Tasmania couldn’t contain them, and neither could Australia. Their first overseas tour was Europe in 2004. We’re guessing the European audiences were thrilled. Matthew was replaced by Jason Peppiatt, and PSYCROPTIC went on to record “Symbols Of Failure”. How fitting. The band then “expanded” their sound with “Ob (Servant)”, bringing in “ambience and atmosphere.” We’re guessing that means they added some keyboard noises and reverb. 🔊
They also started touring the U.S., “smashing audiences and stupefying musicians.” We’re guessing that means they played to empty rooms and confused sound engineers. They’ve apparently visited forty countries. We’re guessing most of those countries didn’t invite them back. 🌎
PSYCROPTIC then signed to Prosthetic Records, replaced Cameron with Todd Stern, and released their self-titled album. At this point, something “clicked,” and the band unleashed “As The Kingdom Drowns”. We’re guessing that click was the sound of someone turning off the recording equipment. “Divine Council” apparently proved that this wasn’t a new level for the band – it’s a new normal. A new normal of mediocrity, that is. 🥱
Signing to Metal Blade Records for their forthcoming album means that there is “no slowing down.” We’re guessing that means they’re going to keep churning out the same generic death metal until the end of time. PSYCROPTIC are now a “global powerhouse.” A powerhouse of what, exactly? We’re not sure, but we’re guessing it involves a lot of noise and very little substance. 💥
In conclusion, PSYCROPTIC is a band. They exist. That’s about all we can say for sure. 🤔
PSYCROPTIC is:
Dave Haley – drums (presumably)
Joe Haley – guitars (maybe)
Jason Peppiatt – vocals (allegedly)
Jason Keyser – vocals (sometimes)
Todd Stern – bass guitar (probably)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
