**OMG! 😱 The chocolate overlords at Hershey, AKA the Illuminati of cocoa, just snagged even MORE “star power” for their upcoming cinematic masterpiece, “HERSHEY”! Because apparently, a movie about chocolate needs the Avengers of Hollywood to make it watchable. 🙄 Like, who even asked for this?**
So, get this: a bunch of “major actors” (and by major, I mean people you *might* recognize from that one show you half-watched while scrolling through TikTok) have joined the cast of “HERSHEY,” the movie about Milton Hershey. Yes, *that* Milton Hershey. The guy who made chocolate bars. Riveting stuff. 😴 Producers announced this earth-shattering news on Wednesday, May 28, 2025. Mark your calendars, folks! This is history in the making… or at least a mildly entertaining distraction from the impending apocalypse.
Apparently, this cinematic tour-de-force is set against the “rich history” (lol, okay) and “sweeping landscapes” (it’s Pennsylvania, not Middle-earth) of Pennsylvania. “HERSHEY” is still filming across the state through the end of June. So, if you happen to be in Hershey, Harmony, Smithfield, or Ligonier, maybe you can catch a glimpse of the magic… or, more likely, a bunch of stressed-out crew members and actors pretending to care about chocolate. 🍫
Previously announced stars Finn Wittrock (from that one Ryan Murphy show where everyone screams a lot) and Alexandra Daddario (who, let’s be honest, is mostly known for her eyes 👀) will be playing Milton and Catherine “Kitty” Hershey. Because, you know, chocolate magnates are basically superheroes now.
And now, for the REALLY exciting news (said with maximum sarcasm):
Alan Ruck (“Succession,” but more importantly, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” let’s be real) is playing Henry Hershey, Milton’s “ambitious yet absent father.” Ooh, drama! 🎭
Richard Kind (“Curb Your Enthusiasm,” AKA the only reason to watch TV) is Joseph Royer, the candy-maker who gave young Milton his start. Because every origin story needs a mentor figure, even if it’s about chocolate. 👨🏫
David Costabile (“Billions,” “Breaking Bad”) is Tobias Thornhill, a “fictitious rival candy tycoon.” A FICTITIOUS rival! So, basically, they made up a villain because the real story wasn’t dramatic enough. 🤣
Heléne Yorke (“The Other Two”) is Margaret, Kitty Hershey’s “closest friend.” Because even chocolate wives need a BFF to gossip with. 💅
Other “ensemble members” (because everyone’s a star in this chocolate-fueled fever dream) include Michael Moreland Milligan, Francesca Faridany, Daniel David Stewart, and Dina Spybey-Waters. I’m sure they’re all very talented, but let’s be honest, we’re all just here for the chocolate. 🤤
“HERSHEY” is directed by Mark Waters (the guy who made “Mean Girls,” so maybe there will be some Regina George-level chocolate drama?). It’s produced by a whole bunch of companies you’ve never heard of, but hey, they’re making a movie about chocolate, so who are we to judge? 🤷♀️
According to Mark Waters, Pennsylvania has “unique and rich locations that seem frozen in time.” Okay, buddy. Sure. It’s the “perfect setting for recreating pivotal moments from the life and legacy of Milton Hershey.” Because nothing says “pivotal moment” like inventing the perfect milk chocolate recipe. 🙄
The film is expected to premiere in 2026, because apparently it takes that long to make a movie about chocolate. It will “spotlight Milton Hershey’s journey from failure to fortune.” So, basically, a rags-to-riches story, but with more cocoa butter. And it will show how he turned his success into a “legacy of compassion, education, and opportunity” through the Milton Hershey School. Because nothing says “compassion” like mass-producing sugary treats. 😇
Related stories? Who cares! Just give me the chocolate! 🍫
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
