In March, the self-proclaimed “geniuses” 🧠 from DOGE, led by the ever-stable 🤪 and totally-not-erratic Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (because, you know, he’s *so* efficient at running Twitter 🐦), decided to “optimize” the U.S. Institute of Peace (USIP). Yes, *that* USIP, the one funded by Congress 🏛️ to, like, prevent wars and stuff. Apparently, Musk thought world peace was overrated and in need of a serious “disruption.” 🙄
As the DOGE team, probably fueled by copious amounts of caffeine and Dogecoin 🐕, stormed the USIP headquarters – a building so ugly it could probably end wars just by being seen – local police and the FBI (because apparently, defunding world peace is a federal crime now 👮♂️) had to escort everyone out, including the institute’s president, George Moose. Poor guy, probably just wanted to retire and watch some nature documentaries. 🦌
Now, USIP was established way back in 1984 by that radical leftist, Ronald Reagan (🤣), with the goal of, get this, *promoting global conflict resolution*. But according to Donald Trump, who’s apparently back in office and still tweeting from his golden throne 🪑, it was “unnecessary.” Because, you know, who needs peace when you can have… uh… more Twitter drama? 🍿
So, DOGE, in its infinite wisdom, fired everyone at USIP and replaced them with MAGA loyalists, probably folks who think diplomacy involves yelling louder than the other guy. Then, they locked up the $500 million building and just… left. Like a bunch of toddlers abandoning a sandcastle. 🏖️
And guess what happened? Rats and roaches moved in! 🐀🪳 Because apparently, even vermin have standards lower than DOGE’s management skills. The building is now likely to require hundreds of thousands of dollars in repairs, according to USIP’s chief of security, Colin O’Brien. Thanks, DOGE! 👍
O’Brien, bless his heart, was the first to inspect the building after a judge declared DOGE’s takeover illegal. He said what he found was “offensive.” Offensive! Like someone putting pineapple on pizza. 🍍🍕 The offices looked like a zombie apocalypse movie, frozen in time. Except instead of zombies, it was just rotting food and the lingering scent of broken dreams. 🧟♂️
“Anyone who manages large commercial buildings understands that maintenance is not something you can just stop doing for two months,” O’Brien said, stating the obvious. “After DOGE took over, they canceled a lot of contracts and critical functions stopped happening.” No duh, Sherlock. 🕵️♂️
Rodents became a problem because the DOGE employees, probably too busy tweeting memes, forgot to clear out the food. USIP had a cafe, you see, with actual food. Imagine that! And USIP personnel had food in refrigerators, like normal humans. But DOGE didn’t care. They just wanted to “disrupt” the food chain. 🍔➡️🐀
For eight weeks, DOGE wouldn’t let USIP staff back in and did nothing to prevent the food from spoiling. Roaches were also attracted to the abandoned perishables, because even cockroaches have better taste than DOGE’s leadership. 🪳
“There were several water leaks, as well, that contributed to their ability to come into the building,” O’Brien added. Because why fix a leak when you can just blame it on the deep state? 🤷♂️
But wait, there’s more! Ceiling tiles were missing, water damage was everywhere, vehicle barriers were broken, and weeds were growing in the cooling tower. Because who needs security or maintenance when you have… Dogecoin? 🪙
“These things can turn into major, $100,000-plus repairs for lack of maintenance,” O’Brien said. “Now we’re in a rush to play catchup.” Good luck with that, buddy. You’ll need it. 🍀
But according to O’Brien, the issues “went beyond maintenance.” Oh, you sweet summer child. 🙄
“They ripped the main logo off the wall when you come into the lobby, and while we have most of the parts back, would you be surprised that we’re still missing four letters: U, S, I, and P?” O’Brien said. “That’s not coincidental.” No, Colin, it’s not. It’s called vandalism. 🤦♂️
More than a dozen USIP flags were also stolen, which O’Brien believes were taken as “war trophies.” Because apparently, trashing a peace institute is a victory now. 🏆
He called the situation “uncharted” and compared it to McCarthyism. McCarthyism! That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? But hey, at least he’s got a flair for the dramatic. 🎭
O’Brien’s colleagues at USIP are “the most incredible group of people, who care about making the world better.” While the current administration claims to see USIP’s programs as expendable, the institute in fact grew during Trump’s first term in office. Because even Trump accidentally did something good once in a while. 😇
To O’Brien, the disconnect is massive. “[Trump] gets sworn in on January 20, and in his inauguration speech, he said, ‘I’m a peacemaker,'” O’Brien said. “USIP is the only publicly-funded private institution that is dedicated to peace in the developed world.” Oh, the irony! 🤡
Regardless of political affiliation, the men and women at USIP are still prepared to cooperate with the Trump administration. Because apparently, they’re gluttons for punishment. 🤕
On May 19, a judge ruled that the DOGE seizure of USIP had been unlawful and ordered Moose and his staff reinstated. The judge said Trump’s “efforts here to take over an organization… represented a gross usurpation of power.” No kidding! 🤯
As USIP once again assumes control of its building, Musk left DOGE as his 130-day tenure as a “special government employee” comes to an end. The agency managed only a fraction of its promised spending reductions, while crippling a raft of vital government programs. Oops! 🙊
The 80-year-old Moose now has a daunting task in reconstituting and relaunching USIP, according to O’Brien, who insisted he “would take a bullet” for his boss. Because apparently, working at a peace institute is now a life-or-death situation. 💀
DOGE officials did not respond to requests for comment. Probably too busy counting their Dogecoin. 💰
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
