OMG 😱! Sharon Osbourne, the puppet master 🤹♀️ behind the geriatric rocker Ozzy, is at it again! Apparently, Ozzy’s so decrepit 👴 he can’t even say “goodbye” properly without a massive, overhyped cash grab 💰. Get ready for “Back To The Beginning,” a “charity” event (yeah, right 😏) where Ozzy gets wheeled out like a museum exhibit 🦖 for one last payday. Because, you know, the Osbournes are *really* struggling financially. 🙄
So, the story goes, poor Ozzy 😢 has been whining for six whole years 🗓️ about not getting to say adios 👋 to his adoring fans. Sharon, bless her heart ❤️ (and her bank account 🏦), has concocted this genius 🧠 plan to have a bunch of bands play SABBATH and Ozzy covers because Ozzy can’t handle more than, like, 15 minutes on stage without needing a nap 😴 and a mobility scooter 🛴.
And get this: it’s a “celebration of music”! 🎉 All the bands SABBATH and Ozzy supposedly “passed the torch” 🔥 to will be there. Except, like, the two bands they *really* wanted: JUDAS PRIEST (too busy, probably counting their own money 💸) and Angus Young from AC/DC (who probably saw through this whole charade 👀).
But fear not! The original BLACK SABBATH lineup is reuniting! For the first time in 20 years! (Mostly because they need the money, let’s be real 🤷♀️). And they’re bringing along a bunch of other bands, like METALLICA, GUNS N’ ROSES, TOOL, SLAYER, PANTERA, GOJIRA, HALESTORM, ALICE IN CHAINS, LAMB OF GOD, ANTHRAX, MASTODON and RIVAL SONS. Because nothing says “intimate farewell” like a stadium full of has-beens and never-weres. 🎤
Tickets sold out in 16 minutes! ⏱️ (Thanks, scalpers! 😈) But don’t worry, you can still watch the whole thing online for a “small” fee. 💸 It’s being streamed by Mercury Studios, who are “pioneering the way for premium, music-driven storytelling.” (Translation: They’re really good at making money off nostalgia. 🤑)
The whole shebang is being hosted by Jason Momoa 💪, because why not? And there’s even a “supergroup of musicians” playing, featuring Duff McKagan, Slash, Billy Corgan, Fred Durst (wait, what? 🤨), K.K. Downing, Jake E. Lee, Wolfgang Van Halen, and Tom Morello. It’s like a rock and roll fever dream 🤪, or maybe just a sign of the apocalypse. 😾
Sharon says Ozzy’s voice is “as good as it’s ever been.” 🤔 Sure, Jan. 🙄 But hey, at least the proceeds are going to “charity.” (Probably after Sharon takes her cut. ✂️)
Ozzy “didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.” Boo-hoo. 😭 This is his “full stop.” (Until the next reunion tour, of course. 🙄)
So, there you have it. “Back To The Beginning”: a cynical cash grab disguised as a heartwarming farewell. Don’t miss it! (Or do. I don’t really care. 🤷♀️)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
