Oh, honey, bless their hearts. SAVATAGE, the band your grandpa probably told you was “progressive,” finally crawled out of whatever retirement home they’ve been rotting in to kick off a “European tour” after only, like, a quarter of a century. At the Into The Grave festival in Leeuwarden, Netherlands, no less. I bet the headliners were thrilled to have them. 😴
So, the geriatric setlist went something like this (prepare for a snooze-fest):
01. The Ocean (More like the Dead Sea, am I right? 🪦)
02. Welcome (To the nursing home?)
03. Jesus Saves (But can he save this band? 🙏)
04. Taunting Cobras (More like taunting dentures. 🦷)
05. Strange Wings (Probably from all the medication. 💊)
06. The Wake Of Magellan (They’re still milking that one, huh? 🐄)
07. Nothing’s Going On (Performed live for the first time since 1998! Groundbreaking! 🙄)
08. Handful Of Rain (Or maybe a handful of Metamucil? 💩)
09. Chance (As in, there’s a chance you’ll fall asleep during this song. 😴)
10. Dead Winter Dead (Accurate description of their career. 💀)
11. Turns To Me (As in, I’m turning away from this concert. 🚶♀️)
12. Sirens (Maybe someone should call an ambulance. 🚑)
13. Gutter Ballet (Sounds about as graceful as a hippo in a tutu. 🦛)
14. Edge Of Thorns (Careful, you might poke someone’s eye out with that edge! 👀)
15. Power Of The Night (The power to bore you into a coma. 😵)
16. Hall Of The Mountain King (More like Hall of the AARP Meeting. 👴👵)
And, of course, there’s “fan-filmed” video. Because who else would bother filming this? 🤳 (Probably their grandkids, forced to be there.)
The lineup is basically the same guys who haven’t been able to find real jobs since 1995: Johnny Lee Middleton on bass (because bassists live forever, apparently), Chris Caffery and Al Pitrelli on guitars (still shredding like it’s the Cold War), Jeff Plate on drums (probably needs a nap after each song), and Zak Stevens on lead vocals (bless his heart, he tries).
Zak, bless his heart, actually had the audacity to compare playing festivals to headlining theaters. He “likes both,” he says. Sure, Zak, we believe you. It’s not like you’re desperate for any gig you can get. 🎭
Jeff, bless his heart, rambled on about how the fans have “stuck with them.” Yeah, Jeff, those three fans in their 70s are really keeping the dream alive. He also gave credit to Paul O’Neill, Jon Oliva, and Criss Oliva. You know, the guys who actually made the band somewhat relevant back in the day. The only thing keeping this band alive is nostalgia. 😭
Oh, and get this: Chris Caffery, bless his heart, talked about Jon Oliva’s health problems. Apparently, Jon’s had more health scares than a reality TV star. But Chris is optimistic! He thinks the SAVATAGE thing is an “inspiration” to Jon. Yeah, Chris, nothing says “inspiration” like being wheeled out on stage like Weekend at Bernie’s. ♿
And get this, they have a 10-year plan! A 10-YEAR PLAN! 🤣 I’m pretty sure most of them won’t be alive in 10 years, let alone touring. But hey, dream big, right? Maybe they’ll be playing on Mars by then. 🚀
And let’s not forget Jon Oliva’s other claim to fame: TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA. You know, that band your aunt drags you to every Christmas? Apparently, he’s still involved, even after Paul O’Neill’s “accidental drug overdose.” (Riiiiight. “Accidental.” 🤔)
So, yeah, SAVATAGE is back. Get ready for a whole lot of mediocrity and nostalgia. And maybe bring a pillow, just in case. 😴😴😴
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
