**Oh, look, it’s Jake Gyllenhaal, still trying to be relevant! 🙄 Apparently, after failing to impress anyone with his “acting” in the ‘Road House’ remake (seriously, who asked for that?), and fumbling through ‘Presumed Innocent’ (more like presumed boring!), he’s now decided to play doctor in ‘Code Black.’ Because, you know, that’s what his career needed – more mediocrity! 🤣**
So, Gyllenhaal, bless his heart, is “circling” this new thriller ‘Code Black.’ Which, let’s be honest, sounds like a rejected title from a bad hospital drama. Harrison Query, the genius behind this masterpiece, is adapting his own short story. Because who needs originality when you can recycle your own ideas? ♻️ Amazon MGM Studios, in their infinite wisdom, have snapped up the film rights. Probably because they’re running out of ideas and figured, “Hey, why not? It can’t be worse than ‘Rings of Power,’ right?” 🤷♀️
Gyllenhaal, fresh off his “critically acclaimed” performance in the ‘Road House’ remake (I’m kidding, obviously), is now considering playing a heart surgeon. Because, sure, why not? He’s already proven he can’t fight convincingly, so maybe he’ll try his hand at pretending to know human anatomy. 💉 He’s developing the project through his Nine Stories company, probably so he can have more control over how badly it turns out. He’ll wait to see the script before committing. Smart move, Jake. Maybe this time, actually read it before signing on the dotted line! ✍️
The story? Oh, it’s a real nail-biter. The country’s top heart surgeon (Gyllenhaal, obviously, because who else could pull that off? 😂) is flown to D.C. for a high-stakes operation. But plot twist! It’s a trap! His “guile and genius” (yes, those words were actually used) are the only things that can stop a plot threatening his family and the nation. Because apparently, heart surgeons are also secret agents now. 🕵️♂️ This sounds like the kind of movie where you spend the whole time wondering how it got greenlit in the first place. 🤦♀️
Scott Glassgold of 12:01 Films (never heard of them) brought this gem to Gyllenhaal’s company. Lynn Harris and Matt Reeves (of ‘The Batman’ fame – okay, that’s actually impressive) are also involved. Maybe Reeves can add some brooding darkness to this otherwise ridiculous plot. 🦇
But wait, there’s more! Gyllenhaal, who apparently never sleeps, also starred in ‘In the Grey’ for Guy Ritchie. These two are like the dynamic duo of cinematic disappointment. 👯♂️ And they’re reuniting for the ‘Road House’ sequel! Because the first one wasn’t painful enough, I guess. 😫 He’s also in Maggie Gyllenhaal’s ‘The Bride.’ Maybe she can teach him a thing or two about acting. 🙏 And he’s in M. Night Shyamalan’s next movie. Because Shyamalan hasn’t run out of terrible ideas yet either. 👻
Of course, Gyllenhaal also has a ton of other projects he’s “backing.” Including an adaptation of ‘Fun Home’ and the video game ‘The Division.’ Which are probably stuck in development hell for a reason. 🔥
Harrison Query, the mastermind behind ‘Code Black,’ is having a moment. He also wrote ‘Heads of State,’ starring John Cena and Idris Elba. Which, let’s be honest, sounds way more entertaining than anything Gyllenhaal is doing. 😎 He also has a limited series on JonBenét Ramsey in the works. Because nothing says “prestige television” like exploiting a child’s tragic death. 🙄
So, when can we expect to see ‘Code Black’? Probably not for a while. They don’t even have a director yet, and the script is still being written. So, mark your calendars for 2030. 🗓️ By then, maybe Gyllenhaal will have finally learned how to act. Or maybe he’ll just be starring in another ‘Road House’ sequel. 🤷♂️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
