Ah, CNN, always on the cutting edge of… sleep? Apparently, folks are dozing off and the liberal elite are on it with new gadgets to solve the crisis. You know, because our borders are secure, inflation is nonexistent, and the woke mind virus hasn’t infected every corner of society.
So, this “OSA” – Obstructive Sleep Apnea – is apparently a big deal. Millions are supposedly gasping for air, and the genius minds in Taiwan are swooping in with a smartphone-sized device to suck your tongue forward. Yes, you read that right.
CPAP machines, the old “gold standard,” are too uncomfortable for the delicate snowflakes, so now we need tongue-sucking devices. I’m sure the Chinese are behind this somehow, probably using it to collect DNA while you sleep.
And of course, it’s not covered by insurance. Because why would it be? Gotta pay for those gender studies programs somehow. But hey, at least it has design awards. Because that’s what matters when you’re choking in your sleep. Sleep tight, patriots, the libs are here to “help.”
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
