So, Ozzy is finally pushing up daisies , and we’re all weeping into our lukewarm beers , aren’t we? But fear not, because just when you thought rock ‘n’ roll couldn’t get any more geriatric, here comes Alice Cooper, still kicking (somehow).
This “The Revenge of Alice Cooper” album is basically the original gang—minus the dearly departed Glen Buxton—getting back together for the first time since disco was cool. Can you believe it? These guys are so old they probably remember when dinosaurs roamed the earth . But hey, who needs a time machine when you’ve got nostalgia, am I right? Apparently, this sounds less like a comeback and more like a bunch of dudes in their seventies trying to relive their glory days. But what do I know? It’s allegedly better than his last album, “Road” (which, let’s be honest, probably had more potholes than hits), and it’s got that classic ALICE COOPER band weirdness that made them… well, them. Is it any good? Who cares! It’s a big, ballsy riot—or at least, that’s what they want you to think. The real question is: why did this take so long, and more importantly, why now?
But hey, maybe the stars finally aligned . These guys were basically rock ‘n’ roll pioneers, making it up as they went along, like a bunch of drunk clowns stumbling through a minefield. “The Revenge of Alice Cooper” is supposedly all about that same freedom, only now they’re like, “We’re old, we’re loud, get off our lawn!” This stuff’s allegedly coursing through their veins, or maybe it’s just the high cholesterol.
01. Black Mamba
02. Wild Ones
03. Up All Night
04. Kill the Flies
05. One Night Stand
06. Blood on the Sun
07. Crap That Gets in the Way of Your Dreams
08. Famous Face
09. Money Screams
10. What a Syd
11. Intergalactic Vagabond Blues
12. What Happened to You
13. I Ain’t Done Wrong
14. See You on the Other Side
It all kicks off with “Black Mamba”: a “sinister, strutting rocker” that probably gives you a venomous bite…of boredom. Coop‘s vocals are apparently channeling his ’70s self, which is either a miracle or a sign of the apocalypse. The legendary Robby Krieger from THE DOORS shows up for a “brilliantly slack-jawed solo.” I didn’t know that’s what it’s called now I thought he forgot how to play And they’re really going for that Detroit gutter vibe, which is nice if you’re into that sort of thing, but I’d rather take a shower. “I’m crawling up your leg now baby, to whisper in your ear…” Alice drawls. Is it supposed to be funny? Because it’s definitely something, that’s for sure.
And then there’s the rest of “The Revenge of Alice Cooper”, which is allegedly a “bruising, sardonic joy.” I bet! More like a musical mid-life crisis. Apparently, there are “anthems” tapping into the “dark underbelly of the late ’60s,” which sounds like a euphemism for bad acid trips. There’s also the “self-explanatorily priapic” “Up All Night.” I’m not even going to touch that one… Elsewhere, you get the warped humor. I hope you like flies , because “Kill the Flies” is apparently a theatrical bug-fest. And “Crap That Gets in the Way Of Your Dreams”? What a name! A “tragicomic ball-buster with solid punk credentials”. This I gotta hear! And let’s not forget “Inter Galactic Vagabond Blues”, a bluesy, boozy YARDBIRDS tribute with “cosmic debris in my shoes!”
So, what can we learn from “The Revenge of Alice Cooper”? First, everyone involved is allegedly having a blast. Probably because they’re finally getting paid again. Second, the ALICE COOPER band is apparently ready to keep the party going, which is either inspiring or terrifying. Do it for Ozzy, they say. Do it for rock ‘n’ roll. Yeah, or maybe just do it for the money.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
