So, Dotemu and The Game Kitchen, bless their cotton socks, dropped a “major” update for Ninja Gaiden: Ragebound. I use the word “major” loosely, like when your grandma says she’s tech-savvy because she can forward chain emails. 🙄 Apparently, they’ve added an “easier” way to jump into the “daunting” hard mode. Newsflash: it’s still gonna kick your butt. Prepare to rage-quit, noobs.
In a thrilling exposé on the Steam Store (because where else would you announce game updates? Myspace?), the devs, in their infinite wisdom, unveiled the “D1” update. 🧐 “D1” for “Day 1”? Groundbreaking. It’s available for download now, so go ahead and interrupt your cat video binge-watching. There are allegedly two “major” changes. I’m using air quotes so hard, I might dislocate a finger.
First, we have the “Restart from Checkpoint” option. 🤯 You mean, I don’t have to intentionally throw myself off a cliff to try again? What is this sorcery? This “tremendously helpful feature” will help cut down on frustration. Or, you know, just make you realize how bad you are at the game faster. Enjoy!
Next up, we get a new way to unlock Hard Mode, because the original way was just too darn convenient. Beat Ryu in the first level, and bam! Hard Mode unlocked. Because that totally prepares you for the soul-crushing difficulty that awaits. 🤣 Good luck with that, buttercups. You’ll need it.
But wait, there’s more! Hold onto your hats, folks, because the list of “notable” updates is a real barn-burner:
New dialogues have been added at the beginning of levels S-4, S-5, and S-6. Riveting stuff. I bet they’re Shakespearean in their depth and complexity. Or maybe just some grunts and groans. Who knows? 🤷♀️
An alternative dialogue portrait for the Masked Agent on level 4-4 has been added. Because who needs gameplay improvements when you can have a different picture of a dude in a mask? Priorities, people. 🤡
Hit stop and Screen shake can now be disabled through Accessibility settings. For all those people who are so sensitive to screen shake that they get motion sickness from a video game. I didn’t know such people existed. But okay!👍
Golden Skins are now available immediately upon achieving S rank on all levels, without the need to complete the final level afterward. So, you get a shiny skin. Congrats. Go strut your stuff. 🌟
Added many sound effects on enemies, projectiles, and menus. Because the game wasn’t noisy enough already. 🔊 More “pew pews” and “splashes” for everyone!
And of course, a “wide array” of over 20 different bug fixes. Because, you know, the game was totally bug-free at launch. Sure, Jan.🤥 If you’re bored enough, you can read about them on the “official post.” I’d rather watch paint dry.
Ragebound is apparently the first 2D Ninja Gaiden game in over three decades, proving that some things are better left in the past. It’s developed by the geniuses behind the Blasphemous games. If that doesn’t fill you with confidence, I don’t know what will. In some review, some dude gave the game an 8/10, saying it’s a “fantastic spiritual successor.” I bet he got paid for that. 🤑
Ninja Gaiden: Ragebound is available on every platform known to humankind. So, you have no excuse not to waste your money on it. Go forth and rage! 😈
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
