LACUNA COIL, still kicking around, apparently played a gig at Metalfest in Plzeň, Czech Republic, on Friday (June 6). Now, brace yourselves, because the geriatric squad of symphonic metal decided to throw a surprise birthday party for Cristina Scabbia, who, against all odds, turned 53.
Sharon Den Adel from WITHIN TEMPTATION and Simone Simons of EPICA, probably after checking their calendars three times to make sure they weren’t double-booked for bingo night, waddled on stage with a cake. 🎂 Yes, they even forced the audience into a cringe-worthy “Happy Birthday” sing-along. Because nothing says “metal” like a chorus of tone-deaf fans butchering a classic. 🎤 Video evidence of this monumental event is below, if you dare to witness the horror.
Earlier this year, some random YouTuber named Belgian Jasper (because, why not?) asked Scabbia about her thoughts on being labeled a “Hottest Chick In Metal” back in 2006. 🙄 Apparently, she never saw any “malice” in it. Oh, honey, bless your heart. She thinks it’s “powerful” to be feminine. Because showing your legs totally empowers women and has nothing to do with the male gaze, right? 🤔 She was the “very first woman” on the cover of Revolver, which apparently blew her mind. Maybe because she hadn’t seen a magazine cover since the invention of the printing press? 📰
Cristina rambled on about how happy she was to see more women in metal, even though she hates the term “female-fronted band.” 🙄 She used to listen to dance and R&B, so seeing women in music was “normal” for her. Groundbreaking. Metal was “predominantly followed by guys” because it’s “aggressive and heavy.” You don’t say! 🤯 She never saw herself as “different” or “worth less” because she’s a woman. Good for you, sweetie. But she acknowledges that people judge you, so you have to “expect a reaction.” Like, duh. 🙄 She wouldn’t “go over the line” with her looks, but she doesn’t care what other women do. As long as it’s their decision, of course. But be prepared for the inevitable slut-shaming! 🤷♀️ It’s “discouraging” that people only see the looks, but all those “Hottest Chicks In Metal” were totally talented, too. Sure, Jan. At least they got attention, right? And guys look at hot singers, too! So it’s all good! 👍 If you can use your looks to get attention and you’re okay with it, go for it! Just don’t come crying when people treat you like a piece of meat. 🥩
Two years ago, some other interviewer asked Cristina if women are taken more seriously in metal now than three decades ago. She said things have “absolutely” changed. Thanks, Captain Obvious. 🙄 When she started, there weren’t many female-fronted bands. Metal was a “no-no” for females because it was a “male-dominated scene.” Which it still is, but there are “many more” female-fronted bands now. Which makes her “happy,” even though they’re still seen differently. 🙄 She doesn’t think they’ll ever be seen “equally,” and she’s “okay” with that because they’re “different.” They’re a “different world,” you see. 👽
What she “doesn’t like” about being a woman in a male-dominated world is that they’re often judged by their looks. Which she “gets,” because guys get judged too. But for women, it’s different. If guys have the look, it’s a “plus.” For women, it’s a “plus” in terms of media attention and drooling fans, but it doesn’t add to their “potential.” 🙄 It’s a “shame” because people shouldn’t be judged by their looks. But she “understands” that looks are the first thing you see. It would be “cool” if people could go beyond that, especially in music, where the “instrument you play, the voice you’re pushing out of your body, and the feelings you’re trying to convey” are the most important things. Yeah, okay, but let’s be real, nobody’s listening to LACUNA COIL for the deep, meaningful lyrics. 🎶
LACUNA COIL‘s latest album, “Sleepless Empire,” was released in February via Century Media Records. Because who wouldn’t want to relive the glory days of 2002? 😴
Last October, some Italian guitarist/producer named Daniele Salomone joined LACUNA COIL to replace Diego Cavallotti. Who? 🤔
Salomone made his live debut with LACUNA COIL on August 4, 2024, at the Rockstadt Extreme Fest in Râșnov, Romania. Because Romania is totally the epicenter of the metal universe. 🌍
In June 2024, LACUNA COIL announced Cavallotti‘s departure. Diego, who joined in 2016, said it wasn’t because he was “dissatisfied” or wanted to “explore new opportunities.” Sure, Jan. He probably just realized he was wasting his life playing generic goth metal. 🤷♂️
Cavallotti and Salomone played together in some Italian metal band called INVERNO, which released its debut album in December 2023. Bet you’ve never heard of them. 🤫
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
