OMG! 🤣 THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, those elder statesmen of mope rock, have apparently crawled out of their crypt just in time for spooky season to shill you a $20 smoothie at Erewhon. I guess diamond albums don’t pay the bills anymore? 🤔
In a blatant attempt to remind you that “Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness” existed 30 years ago (feel old yet? 👴), they’re donating a sliver of the smoothie proceeds to the Concussion Legacy Foundation. Because nothing screams “goth” like worrying about CTE. 🧠 Billy Corgan, who probably blames concussions for his, uh, unique artistic choices, sits on their advisory board. Coincidence? I think not. 👽
Behold, the “OG Goth” smoothie, a concoction so pretentious it makes kombucha blush. 🍹 We’re talking MALK Organic Almond Milk (because regular almond milk is for peasants), GT’s Alive Cola (because why not?), Cocoyo Cacao (whatever that is), Eidon Ionic Minerals Liquid Electrolytes (sounds like something from a sci-fi movie), organic coconut water (duh), Erewhon Chocolate Ganache (because it needs more sugar), organic black sesame butter (so edgy!), organic peanut butter (wait, is this goth or just bougie?), organic banana (a classic!), organic avocado (because California), organic dates (for that ancient goth vibe), organic chia (for fiber, because even goths poop), organic maple (to sweeten the deal, literally), organic blue spirulina (because why not make it blue?), organic chlorella (sounds like a disease), organic cacao powder (more chocolate!), organic lucuma (I had to Google it), organic beet juice (for that blood-like color!), and organic lion’s mane (for the enlightened goth). It’s basically a salad in a blender that costs more than your rent. 💰
This liquid abomination, the “OG Goth” smoothie, will set you back a cool $19.79. Only at Erewhon, of course, because where else would you find a smoothie that costs more than a vinyl record? Exclusively available until November 8th, so you have plenty of time to empty your bank account. 💸
But wait, there’s more! THE SMASHING PUMPKINS are also dragging their bones on a “Rock Invasion Tour”. They’re hitting up exotic locales like Jakarta and Abu Dhabi, probably to find new ways to disappoint their fans. Check their website for tour dates and ticket info, if you’re into that sort of thing. 🎟️
THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, self-proclaimed icons, have been milking their “alternative” status since 1988. 🗓️ They’ve sold a gazillion albums, won some meaningless awards, and convinced everyone they’re geniuses. Their discography includes gems like “Gish” (who cares?), “Siamese Dream” (overrated), “Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness” (infinitely boring), “Adore” (more like “Abhor”), and “Machina/The Machines Of God” (sounds like a bad sci-fi novel). Rolling Stone put “Siamese Dream” and “Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness” on their “500 Greatest Albums Of All Time” list, because Rolling Stone has always had impeccable taste (not!). And let’s not forget their “iconic” imagery: the “Siamese Dream” album cover (two kids in dresses, groundbreaking!), the black Zero shirt (so edgy!), the “1979” music video (nostalgia bait!), the “Ava Adore” video (gothic…ish), and their live shows (where Billy Corgan yells at the audience). 🎤
Erewhon, the overpriced grocery store for LA elites, is apparently a “Certified B Corp” and “Certified Organic Retailer.” ♻️ They’ve been peddling organic kale chips since 1968, pretending to care about the environment while charging you $15 for a head of lettuce. They’re “committed to sourcing healthy, nutrient-dense products,” which is code for “we’re going to charge you extra for anything that doesn’t kill you.” 💀 Visit erewhon.com if you want to feel poor and inadequate. 😭
The Concussion Legacy Foundation is trying to help people with brain damage, which is a noble cause, I guess. They were founded by some doctors who probably make a killing diagnosing CTE in former athletes. 🧑⚕️ They have chapters in other countries, because brain damage is a global phenomenon. They also run a CTE brain bank, which sounds like a really depressing place. 🧠 If you think you have a concussion, call their helpline, but don’t expect them to fix your taste in music. 🎶
