🚨BREAKING: Suzanne Vega, bless her heart, almost canceled Glastonbury ’89 because of a STALKER! Apparently, someone wasn’t a fan of “Luka” (who IS, tbh?). But don’t worry, she showed them! (Kind of.)
So, get this. Our girl Suzanne, back in ’89, was supposed to be the FIRST. WOMAN. EVER. to headline Glastonbury. Huge deal, right? Well, some hater decided to send death threats. Apparently, they were targeting her touring bassist, and Suzanne got caught in the crossfire. Because, you know, logic. But Suzanne, being the rebel she is (or, you know, not wanting to lose a gig), told the cops where to shove it.
She told some newspaper (probably while sipping chamomile tea and judging their font choice): “They had included me in the threats. Scotland Yard sat me down and said, ‘We advise you not to do the show.’ I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” Oh, Suzanne, so brave! So edgy! (Said no one ever.)
But wait, it gets better. After Suzanne made it CLEAR (eye roll) that she was going to perform, the police, in their infinite wisdom, suggested she wear a bulletproof vest. On stage. Because nothing says “rock star” like a bulky, uncomfortable vest. I mean, imagine trying to do your signature dance moves in that thing! 💃🚫
She “recalled” (as if this wasn’t the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to her): “A man from Scotland Yard took his and said, ‘You’ll have to wear this.’ He was twice my size, so I had to gaffer tape myself into this giant bulletproof vest, and then put a denim jacket over it. It felt like every song was 20 minutes long. It was not comfortable. We were all nervous.” Gaffer tape? A denim jacket? Oh, the 80s! And the discomfort! Truly, the epitome of rock and roll. 🎸🔥 (Not really.)
But despite her discomfort (which, let’s be honest, was probably minimal), Suzanne is “happy” with her “history-making” performance. I mean, she got to wear a bulletproof vest! How many artists can say that? 🙄
She declared: “I’m proud of being the first woman to headline. There’s nothing diminished about that.” Yeah, except maybe the fact that you had to wear a bulletproof vest because some weirdo was threatening you. But hey, details, details. 🤷♀️
The “Tom’s Diner” singer (aka the queen of elevator music) recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of her self-titled debut album. Forty years! Can you believe it? And she admitted she never expected to be so successful. Probably because even she knew “Luka” was kind of a downer. 🎶
She mused: “I had expected to remain underground for most of my life. And it still may happen that I’m discovered after my death.” Oh, honey, let’s be real. The only way you’re getting “discovered” after your death is if someone finds a hidden stash of embarrassing selfies. 🤳💀
“Emily Dickinson sitting at her desk, what were her thoughts? Now we have schools named after her. So you don’t know. I just prefer to think about what’s going on right now.” Okay, comparing yourself to Emily Dickinson? That’s a bit much, even for you. But hey, at least she’s thinking about “what’s going on right now.” Which is probably figuring out how to get more Spotify streams. 💰
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
