Okay, so apparently the “Metal Queen” Doro Pesch (who?) is dropping a new single called “Warriors Of The Sea” this Friday. 🙄 It’s allegedly an anthem for “all you pirates, at sea and on land.” Pirates? Seriously? Is she trying to appeal to the *checks notes*… elderly metalhead LARPers who dress up as Jack Sparrow at Renaissance Fairs? 🏴☠️ I bet it’s gonna be the most generic, predictable, power-metal-by-numbers song ever. Can’t wait to hear the groundbreaking lyrics about sailing, fighting, and probably drinking rum. 🍹 Yawn.
So, she’s going to debut this “masterpiece” live on her “Doro Metal Queen Metal Cruise” on the Rhine. A metal cruise on the Rhine? 🚢 That sounds about as metal as a knitted tea cozy. I bet the mosh pit will be intense… like a shuffleboard tournament. And the “metal” will be provided by a karaoke machine and a guy with a keytar. 🎹 This is peak metal, folks! Prepare to be… mildly amused.
In a recent interview with some Brazilian dude, Doro was waxing lyrical about how much she loves performing for her fans. She said she gets a “deep connection” when she hears them sing “All We Are” or “Burning The Witches.” 🧙♀️ Oh, the profound connection of belting out the same tired songs for the 37th year in a row! I’m sure the fans are just thrilled to hear the same setlist they’ve heard since the Reagan administration. Maybe she should try a cover of “Baby Shark” just to mix things up. 🦈
And get this: she’s played over 3,500 concerts! 🤯 3,500 opportunities to play the same songs, wear the same leather pants, and make the same vaguely menacing facial expressions. At this point, she’s probably sleepwalking through the shows. She claims it’s “easy” to keep the joy because of the fans. Yeah, the fans who are probably too drunk to remember what year it is. Bless their hearts. ❤️
She claims every concert is like it could be her last. I sincerely hope one of them is. Just kidding! (Mostly.) She also says she treats every concert as an “adventure.” An adventure in mediocrity, perhaps? An adventure in repeating the same tired tropes of 80s metal? An adventure in questionable fashion choices? The possibilities are endless! 🤪
Apparently, she’s got like 20 or 21 studio albums, plus a bunch of live albums and DVDs. And she’s working on a new DVD of her 40-year anniversary show in Wacken and Düsseldorf. I’m sure it’ll be a cinematic masterpiece filled with groundbreaking camera angles and insightful interviews. Or, you know, just a bunch of shaky footage of old people headbanging. 👵👴
She says she gets excited when she writes a new song because “maybe the fans will like it.” The bar is set so low, it’s practically subterranean. She loves anthems, because people singing along makes her feel “so great.” Translation: she loves the sound of her own voice being echoed back to her by a bunch of middle-aged dudes in denim vests. 🤘
And of course, she loves ballads because they make people cry. Nothing says “metal” like emotionally manipulative power ballads designed to tug at the heartstrings of lonely, aging rockers. 😭 I’m sure they’re all shedding tears of pure, unadulterated metal joy. Or maybe they’re just crying because they realize they’re never going to get their youth back. Who knows?
She got a lifetime achievement award in Düsseldorf, presented by Klaus Meine of the SCORPIONS. A lifetime achievement award for… what, exactly? For being one of the first women in metal? For selling a bunch of albums? For not giving up after 40 years of playing the same songs? I guess congratulations are in order. 🥳
They’re really playing up the “groundbreaking” angle, talking about how she broke into the male-dominated heavy metal scene. Okay, sure, she was a woman in metal. Good for her. But let’s not pretend she single-handedly dismantled the patriarchy with a power chord. 🙄 It’s not like she was out there curing cancer or anything.
Her latest album, “Conqueress – Forever Strong And Proud,” was released last year. I’m sure it was a triumph of musical innovation and lyrical depth. Or, you know, just another Doro album. Whatever. 😴
So, get ready for “Warriors Of The Sea,” folks! It’s gonna be… something. Maybe. Probably not. But hey, at least it’ll give you something to complain about on the internet. And isn’t that what metal is all about? 😈
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
