NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear ‘Fight Bigotry’ Jockstraps
Read MoreThe OnionNEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed…
Month: February 2025
📢Breaking: SOAD’s New Album Includes Dog Barks, Existential Screams, and … Mustache ASMR?!
Legendary rock band System of a Down has officially confirmed their long-awaited new album, but there’s a twist: 5 out…
Excited Couple Closes Escrow On Dozen Eggs
OLYMPIA, WA — After a lengthy negotiation process, local couple Chris and Haven Whitmer celebrated finally closing escrow on a…
Prince Harry Asks ICE To Deport Him To Guantanamo Bay For Some Peace And Quiet
U.S. — Prince Harry has begged for ICE to please deport him to Guantanamo Bay, offering to commit whatever crime…
Nation Asks If That Security Guy Can Please Just Follow Congress Around And Keep Them From Doing Anything Ever
U.S. — Americans are begging the now-famous security guard who stood up to screeching Democrats to please always follow Congress…
Democrats Assure Americans The Millions In USAID They Gave Hamas Was Just For Gay Stuff
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid the new heightened scrutiny on government spending, Democrats assured Americans that the millions of dollars in…
Announcement: The Babylon Bee Is Willing To Promote Any US Government Cause In Exchange For $34 Million
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — The Babylon Bee would like to formally announce that it is willing to promote any and…
Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol In Wheelchair After Fall
Read MoreThe OnionSenator Mitch McConnell fell twice and was escorted out of the Capitol in a wheelchair as a precautionary…
Trump Appoints Satan As White House Faith Advisor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising move, President Donald Trump announced today that the newly created White House Faith Office…
Artist Profile: Kendrick Lamar
Read MoreThe OnionFresh off five wins at the Grammys, rapper Kendrick Lamar will headline Super Bowl LIX’s halftime show this…