Oh sweet baby Jesus, another washed-up rockstar finds religion! 🙄 Brian “Head” Welch, formerly of the oh-so-edgy KORN, sat down with some dude named Tim Bisagno on the “Stand Up Dude” podcast (never heard of it, must be HUGE) to discuss his *totally unique* journey from drugs and nu-metal angst to…yep, you guessed it, Jesus. Apparently, he had a “profound encounter” with the Big Man Upstairs. I’m sure it was more profound than my encounter with a lukewarm burrito last night. 🌯
Head, bless his heart (or maybe someone else’s heart, I don’t know his preferences), decided to drop some wisdom bombs on all the young lads out there. His advice? Get to know Christ! Not just on Sundays, mind you. No, no. That’s amateur hour. You need a *personal, one-on-one* relationship. Like, texting Jesus every morning to see what he’s wearing. 📱 “Church is just a gas station,” he proclaimed, “to fill you up for the week!” So profound! I always thought it was a place where people judged my questionable fashion choices. 🤔
He further elaborated that we need to “read books, listen to books, listen to messages, podcasts.” Oh, the irony! Is this podcast considered one of the mandatory books? Are we being forced to listen to the man who used to scream about daddy issues telling us to listen to *more* things? The madness! 😵💫
But wait, there’s more! According to Head, God’s message is simple: LOVE! ❤️ (Groundbreaking, I know.) But apparently, us tough guys have a hard time opening our hearts to God. It’s easier to love a woman, apparently, because, you know, Jesus didn’t walk the Earth as a man or anything. Oh wait. 🤔
He then regaled us with the tale of his dark days, when he wanted to sleep and never wake up. “Please, help me!” he cried out to the heavens. And, lo and behold, his heart opened a *little bit*. And then he went to church and discovered that God *is* love. Not just loves us, but *is* love. So, God is a feeling? A concept? A really good rom-com? The mind boggles! 🤯
Head, in his infinite wisdom, compared God’s love to “the best high I ever felt.” So, basically, he traded one addiction for another. But hey, at least this one doesn’t require rehab, right? 🤷♀️
Remember when Head dramatically left KORN in 2005, donned a white robe, and got baptized in the Jordan River? Iconic! ✨ Talk about a publicity stunt! Though, I am sure he was really feeling it and all.
Of course, he eventually crawled back to KORN in 2013. Because, let’s be honest, being a solo Christian rockstar probably doesn’t pay the bills. 💸 Gotta keep those nu-metal royalties flowing!
And let’s not forget Fieldy’s conversion experience! Two Korn members finding Jesus? What are the odds? It’s like a divine intervention of cringe! 🙏
So, there you have it, folks. Another rockstar redemption story. Tune in next week when we discuss the merits of eating tide pods or something. I am so kidding!
Watch the video below if you have absolutely nothing better to do. 😴
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
