Oh, great. More proof that the apocalypse is nigh. Those pop-punk “reBeLs” Green Day are getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 🙄 I guess the criteria for “fame” these days is just “annoyed enough parents in the 90s.
So, on Thursday, May 1st, at the oh-so-punk time of 11:30 a.m. PT, Billie Joe Armstrong (still trying to rock that eyeliner, bless his heart), Mike Dirnt (who?), and Tré Cool (more like Tré Uncool, amirite?) will be immortalized in sidewalk cement. Serena Williams and Ryan Reynolds will be there to… uh… say some stuff, I guess? Probably something about how Green Day’s music “changed their lives” while secretly thinking about their next endorsement deal. Matt Pinfield, because someone has to emcee these things, will be there too. Poor guy.
The coveted star (right next to the guy who played “Man #3” in that one movie nobody saw) will be strategically placed at 6212 Hollywood Boulevard, conveniently located near Amoeba Music. So, you can buy their records and then immediately regret your life choices. 🎶
Ana Martinez, some bigwig at the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, gushed that Green Day’s music “inspired generations” and was the “soundtrack to our lives.” Yeah, if your life was a poorly written coming-of-age movie where everyone wears too much black and pretends to be angsty. 🖤
Apparently, the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is a “celebration of art, entertainment, and all things Hollywood.” I thought it was a tourist trap where people take selfies with random names on the ground, but what do I know? 🤷♀️
They were formed in 1986. Wow, 38 years of the same three chords and whiny vocals. Respect. 🫡
They’ve sold over 75 million records and have 10 billion streams. Okay, boomer. That’s just because everyone pirated “Dookie” back in the day. 🏴☠️
“Dookie” sold over 10 million copies and is credited with “reviving mainstream interest in punk rock.” More like “dumbing down” punk rock, amirite? Real punks listen to The Ramones, not whatever this is. 🤘
Entertainment Weekly calls them “the most influential band of their generation.” I’m sure all the Nickelback fans are thrilled. 😂
Rolling Stone claims they’ve “inspired more young bands to start than any act this side of KISS.” So, basically, they’re responsible for all the terrible garage bands in your town. Thanks, Green Day! 🎸
In 2004, they released “American Idiot,” which was basically Green Day’s attempt to be politically relevant. It sold a bunch of copies and won a Grammy. Because nothing says “punk” like winning awards from the establishment. 🏆
“American Idiot” even became a Broadway musical. Because nothing is more punk rock than dancing and singing in a theatre. 🎭
Their 2020 album, “Father Of All…” debuted at No. 1. Pitchfork called it “Green Day’s most fetching and youthful songs in ages.” Translation: It’s catchy but ultimately forgettable. 😴
They went on “The Hella Mega Tour” with Fall Out Boy and Weezer. A true testament to the death of music. 💀
In 2024, they released “Saviors,” which Rolling Stone described as “huge songs and snotty satire for a world on fire.” So, basically, the same thing they’ve been doing for the last three decades. 🔥 The New York Times hailed it as “a decisive, even overdetermined return to form.” Translation: They’re still trying. The New Yorker summed it up best with “It’s GREEN DAY’s world now.” Please, no. 😭
They went on a sold-out global stadium tour where they played “Dookie” and “American Idiot” in their entirety. Because nostalgia is the only thing that sells these days. 👵
So, congrats, Green Day. You’ve officially made it. You’re a permanent fixture on a tourist trap sidewalk. Just try not to step on your own star. ⭐
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
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